hahaha thanks to Taylor for sending this great listing:
“If you were on Craigslist looking for a piece of furniture infested with ooky spooky ghosties, then you’ve come to the wrong place because this dining room set is definitely not haunted.
It was not used for ritual sacrifices and therefore is not haunted by the spirits of virgins.
It was not used by Revolutionary War soldiers as a makeshift operating table on the battlefield and therefore is not riddled with poltergeists in tri-corner hats.
As this is D.C. and we have museums where people’s old shoes are kept in glass prisons for gawking tourists, I feel like I should tell you that no one famous has ever sat on, ate off of, or died around this dining set either.
Not Abraham Lincoln. Not Jimi Hendrix. Not the character Goose from the movie Top Gun.
What this dining room set definitely is, is retro sexy. It’s modeled after the exact one on which John F. Kennedy did something very lewd to Jackie O when they were first married.
With it’s glass top, mod wood base, and set of 4 chairs, you can serve approximately 1-3 guests warm nuts and feel just like an off-duty Pan Am stewardess.
Don’t like to entertain? Well, first off, how dare you! This table was absolutely MADE for sipping martinis in a house dress while laughing maniacally at the hilarity of today’s political climate with your girl/boyfriends. But if you truly don’t enjoy the company of other people, I hear this table is great for such activities as holding mail, resting your elbows as you scroll through memes, or communing with any spirits that may be haunting any other pieces of furniture you have.
You can clearly see that the wood is a rich, woody color. But, I will tell you that the chairs are a pale grey. Like the early morning mist over a graveyard in a quaint English village. Their sleek design will make you feel like one of the characters in Mad Men or one of the women they sexually harassed in their office.
Trust me when I say that you’ll be the talk of the town if you buy this dining set. And if not the town, since it appears there’s a little thing called the “Impeachment Inquiry” that people are talking about, then at least you’ll be the envy of your apartment complex. Especially when you tell the other tenants that this swanky, stylish dining set is absolutely, positively, 100% not haunted.
The asking price is $1000 total for the table and chairs, which is a steal IMO. It’s such a steal, you’d have to literally burgle a West Elm to get this set for any cheaper.
Please note that the vase of flowers pictured is NOT included in the purchase of this dining room set, because you’re already getting this sweet table, I shouldn’t be responsible for giving you the focal point to your entire decorating scheme as well.
Please message to set up a time to meet and fall in love with this not haunted dining set. We ain’t moving shit, so plan accordingly.”