Mount Vernon Squangle

Wow. A reader sends this gem from Craigslist:

My roommate and I are 29 years old, have known each other since freshman year of college, and can basically describe each others’ taints with our eyes closed. Despite our age and our ability to harness wherewithal to accomplish adult-like goals, we are still very immature. We have lived in the same 3-bedroom row house in Mt. Vernon Square for the past 7 years. Throughout these 7 years we’ve been the constant, while the third room has experienced a myriad of spectacular bros over the ages. We have always managed to keep the changing of roommates within our bro family (which we will delve into later), but alas we have reached a crossroad in our adult lives where we must brave the outside world to find the chosen one. I’m not going to lie, all you strangers out there terrify me. Our previous third roommate, who is as gentle as a newborn porcupine yet as powerful as an adolescent bonobo, ended up finding his soulmate, getting engaged, and moving on with his life. Since the end of August, my current roommate and I have been paying for that third empty room out of pocket as we lobbied with our bro high council to fill the position. Our pleas fell on the deaf ears of married bros, new fathers, and committed heterosexuals. As Brooks said in Shawshank, “The world went and got itself in a big damn hurry.” So I come to you, world, to fill the void in my life. . .and to help me get back my damn disposable income that has been going into that third room. . .

As the title implies, we are not just looking for any “bro”, but a renaissance bro that will seamlessly fit into our crew like bacon and chocolate chips into waffle batter. In fact, let us define the term bro. We’re not the “bro” you see on MTV, or any “bro” you see wearing Ed Hardy/Affliction T-shirts. We’re not bros with Nantucket red shorts, boat shoes, and croakies. We’re not the Magic The Gathering/D&D Bros. We are just sensible guys that enjoy immature forays on weekends and intellectual box socials on weekdays. We enjoy the outdoors and traveling. We read a lot of books and discuss the best way to layer the contents of a BLT. We’re not all fart jokes and dildo-hats though. We both have legit 9-5 jobs, graduate degrees, and high levels of general awareness. We have a strong group of bros (approx 30-45 across the eastern seaboard) that come in and out on a regular basis throughout the week/weekends for Monday/Thursday night football, movie night, or bro dinners at sick steakhouses. I know this is a lot, and there is no way I can cover all areas of our bro community, but I hope this weeds out some of the unsavory “bros” out there.

The third caveat about living in this room is. . . you must be a musician or at least love music. The room comes furnished with a full size bed, a large desk, 2 closets, and a bunch of musical instruments. This room has, for 6 of the past 7 years, doubled as our jamatorium. We have a drum-kit, electric piano, half-stack, 2 more amps, 4 guitars, and congas in that room. Unfortunately there is nowhere else in the house to store these items, so they come with the room. Hence, you have to like having musical instruments around your living quarters if you live here. If you are not currently a musician, but want to learn piano/drums/guitar, well we can accommodate that. We don’t jam out every night or even every weekend, we never play music after 10 pm on weekdays, and we will never barge in there while you’re having personal time. However, these instruments ain’t going nowheres. The bed/desk are optional and you can throw them out if you so wish.

Now down to the brass tacks. The room is $800 a month. This includes internet, ADT alarm system, and water. The only utilities we split 3-ways are gas, electric, and DirecTV (with the NFL package and all movie channels). This is a remarkably good price for our location and amenities. Did I mention we have a 60 inch LED TV? It’s awesome. We have all relatively new kitchen appliances in our 2-level row-home. We have a big yard where we maintain a garden every spring/summer. We are walking distance (4 min) from the Mt. Vernon/Convention Center metro and about 9 minutes from the Gallery Pl. Chinatown metro. We got that sick Safeway under city vista as our local grocery store and a brand new Cross Fit on New York Avenue. Just kidding about Cross Fit. . . if you are into that don’t email me. JK, but no, seriously.

I hope this ad did not come off douchey, we’re very reasonable guys. We are liberal about social issues and semi-conservative about the economy. One thing is for sure, we love capitalism. . .so no occupiers or hippies. We never talk about politics or religion anyway. If you’re interested, please reply back, come check out the house. . .hang out on a weekend night and see if you can mesh with our pride of bro lions. If you like it, we’d ideally like you to move in anytime between November 15th and December 15th. No security deposit necessary, the lease is month-to-month (but we ask you give us a 3 month heads up if you’re moving out), and all we ask is for proof of gainful employment. Ideally you will have a 9-5-ish job as well. . .we don’t want bartenders/restaurant guys coming in late at night on weekdays and spraying their hot jazz all over our snuggly dreams. Also, no women. . . sorry ladies. . . I like to bed you, but not live with you. I’ll live with a woman when I take the plunge into holy matrimony.

This rental is located at 910 M Street, NW:

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The listing says:

“One bedroom with large enclosed den (easily used as 2nd bedroom), 2 full baths w/balcony at The Whitman, an urban and chic condo boasting signature architecture, high-end kitchen w/custom cabinets, SS appliances & granite counters, marble vanities, hardwood floors, rooftop pool, sun deck, fitness center and community room. Walk to Metro. Garage parking available. Housing Vouchers Welcome!”

This 1 bed with enclosed den and 2 baths is going for $2,800/Mo.

This rental is located at 5th and K St, NW:

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The listing says:

“Available Nov. 1, Unbelievable opportunity to live in a coveted 10th floor (second highest in the building) at one of DC’s most desirable buildings. This is high-rise living at its best, with a Gourmet Safeway (with Starbucks), Taylor Gourmet, Busboys and Poets, Vida Fitness, and yes, A Chipotle, around the corner. Walking distance to Chinatown and the Verizon Center, and a 5 minute walk to the Metro. If you don’t want to leave, there’s a rooftop pool, one acre urban park, and community rooms to enjoy.The unit itself is spectacular, with floor to ceiling windows in the living room, a roommate floorplan with the bedrooms on opposite sides of the unit, and luxury finishes throughout including:-Granite Countertops-Hardwood Floor-Dark wood Cabinets-Full size Island-Washer/Dryer in unit-Master Bathroom”

This 2 bed/2 bath is going for $3,050/Mo.