Epic Craigslist Rant – You Just Gotta Read It…

Photo by PoPville flickr user ekelly80

Not sure if this really happened or is a creative writing assignment but for what it’s worth, here it is.

From Craigslist missed connections:

you hit me with your electric wheelchair so i challenge you to a duel – 29 (Giant in Columbia Heights Washington DC)

Hello sir,

My name is Ben and at about 8pm tonight (1/17/12) you ran directly into me with your electric wheelchair in front of the Giant in Columbia Heights, DC.

Allow me to illustrate what exactly happened that was so be-fuddling and anger inducing that it would inspire me to create a “missed connection” post on Craigslist.

After a long day at work, I entered the aforementioned Giant in our wonderful nation’s capital. All I needed were paper towels. I purchased said paper towels and was on my merry way home only to be caught in a pedestrian traffic jam of sorts at the entrance of the grocery store. After avoiding disaster and taking a sigh of relief, my eyes were suddenly affixed upon an middle-aged gentleman about four to five feet away from me in an electric wheelchair hellbent on taking me out. That gentleman was you, sir. Not only did you run directly into me, but I consequently fell directly onto you, and then off your wheelchair, and then onto the ground.

Now, what for lack of better words “pisses me the f*ck off” is the fact that you threw up your hands like you were just attacked by a pack of rabid penguins. What “pisses me the f*ck off” even more is the fact that all the on-lookers immediately ran to your side to see if you were “okay.” Don’t mind me. It’s all gravy. Getting hit by people in electric wheelchairs is apparently a normally occurring thing in everyday life. Moreover, I get that you are handicapped for whatever reason and need an electric wheelchair to do whatever it is you do, but in my years of living I’ve gathered that by now electric wheelchairs have the ability to stop as well as go.

One more thing. I have a broken toe on my right foot. You managed to not only run over that, but my left foot as well, which now feels like it was just hit by an inconsiderate handicapped guy in an electric wheelchair in front of a Giant in Washington, DC (see what I did there?). Anyway, I am currently working as a day manager and head bartender at a bar/nightclub. This job requires me to constantly be quick on my feet and run up and down stairs daily to make sure things run smoothly. Now pardon my language sir, but how the f*ck am I going to explain to my bosses and fellow employees that I cannot perform up to expectations because I got “hit by a guy in an electric wheelchair.” These kinds of things not only sound made-up, but make me look like a straight up punk b*tch, and I sir, am not a punk b*tch.


Judging by the shape of your legs (literally and figuratively), we cannot engage in a cage fight, and sadly duels to the death are no longer considered “legal.” The only fair compromise is that I buy an electric wheelchair myself and we joust. If you accept these terms, I demand we meet in front of the same Giant at the date of your choosing, preferably at sunrise so I can still make it to work after I f*ck your shit up.

I do not care if I miss rent next month, or my cell phone gets cut off. I will use all the money I make to make this happen in order to make things right in this already sad world. The gauntlet has been thrown.

Consider your couch f*cked,

P.S. – I hate you.

75 Comment

  • Who goes to Giant instead of CVS if all you are getting are paper towels? Is this amateur hour?

  • I love it. I felt like writing something like this to the bitch who does this at the Dupont Farmers Market every weekend. Constantly running into people to get in front of people. It seems she confuses “excuse me” with the forward button on her wheelchair.

    • Yeah, I’ve been run into by her before. When I read this I thought “that sounds familiar…” thought back, and remembered the incident. Had a big gash on my ankle for a week. I can’t believe this is a common behavior for someone!

    • I had a coworker once who used to practically mow people down in the hallways in her electric wheelchair. Maybe she also frequents the Dupont Farmers Market?

    • Oh wow. She does that regularly? She ran into me on Sunday. And I’m such a wuss I apologized to her. There’s gonna be a reckoning this weekend.*

      * in my active imagination.

    • As the girlfriend of “Anonymous”, I can second this. Every. Fucking. Sunday., without fail, around 11 or so, she starts over by the tasty French pastry stand by PNC. She then moves on to the vegetables, and Heaven help you if you get in her way. She has hit me twice, and cut in front of me more times than I’d like to count. I’m not insensitive – I’m all about helping out others – but at the same time, IS IT REALLY THAT HARD TO BE POLITE AND SAY “EXCUSE ME”??????? Really? Really?? Because, I know you can talk, lady! I’ve heard you yell at people to get out of your way.

      • One thing about living in an edgier neighborhood is people seem slightly more polite to avoid the possibility of getting shot. I guarantee you she wouldn’t try that “run my wheelchair into people” bit in Trinidad.

  • I’ve seen stranger things than this happen at that Giant:

    Lady opening frozen food packages and talking to them, and I quote – “Are you a good one (opens package) No, I don’t think you are (puts open food back in freezer and pulls out another). She was gone by the time I found a worker.

  • I am surprised you didn’t get shot with all the guns in this town.

  • that’s ridiculous. here’s a real rant – two days ago i was on the escalator in metro center, changing from the orange to red line. everyone on the escalator was at a standstill because, two people in front of me, was a woman with a fully extended wheel chair and directly in front of her was a heavy-set woman with an adjustable cast on her right leg.
    here’s what happened: when the big woman with the injured leg arrived at the top of the escalator she stopped. she stopped right at the edge of the landing where the escalator steps disappear on their return trip to the lower level. and so, in comedic slow motion, i watched helpless as the woman transporting the injured lady’s wheel chair, with nowhere to go, became jammed behind her companion. the man in front of me, with no room around large woman jammed up against the wheel chair woman, i mashed up against him and the force of the accordion like compression of bodies pushing behind me caused this man to fall on the ground at the left side of the escalator. i was then jammed out the small opening between the big woman and the escalator. The rotund damsel was shouting and wailing something about the elevator being out of order. i hopped over the fallen man, stopped out of the way of the rest of the mashed up mass of bodies and offered a helping hand.
    The woman with the leg cast was eventually pushed forward enough to allow an exit for the gang of people mashed up behind her and as I strode away to the red line platform I could hear her continuous elevator lament. No one was injured and it was a pretty comical scene in hindsight, but still, someone could have been hurt…wtf

  • I second the Brilliant!

  • Nice! And I thought Craigslist was just for serial killers!

  • Eh, this guy sounds like a tool.

    • concur…sounds like a tool but the wheel chair person certainly has issues

      • Oh, I don’t doubt that he was taken about by a crazy wheelchair guy. But he still sounds like a tool.

        • Yeah, sadly DC has a preponderance of tarts from both extremes of the spectrum. On one end you have entitled, self-centered douches and on the other you have these maligned leeches who enjoy inflicting their misery on others. On the surface they appear different, but at the core they’re the same nasty creature.

    • Exactly – there are always long dull rants like this on CL, with similar style, wording, verbosity etc.

      • I bought you a sense of humor. Left directions to pick it up in a Craigslist ad for you. Hope you find it.

  • This is amazing. I think i know who the guy is too!

  • “…attacked by a pack of rabid penguins.”
    laughed out loud at this one. Thank you!

  • Best. Rant. Ever!

    Get that perp a seeing-eye electro-chair!

  • Wow. Just….wow. I can’t imagine take the time to write such a long diatribe over this incident. Some people put WAY too much focus on the negative things in life. I think the author of this garbage needs to get laid. Big time.

    • +1. The CL rant writer sounds like a whiny-you-know what.

    • Sometimes venting is fun — for the writer and for those of us who enjoy reading a creative Craigslist posting. I don’t understand these people who think the author was a tool or being passive-aggressive. Even people in wheelchairs can be assholes, and his reaction was understandable.

    • He sounds pretty funny. I would consider doing him.

      • That is what I was thinking, not the doing him part, but that this was actually a funny, tongue in cheek thing. I did not take it as being written by an uptight person.

      • See, my reaction was, “Ugh I hope I never end up on a blind date this guy.”

        I just think he thinks he’s WAY funnier than he actually is. And those guys are the worst.

        • I hope you never end up on a date with anyone. That not having a sense of humor thing is a real killjoy on a date.

        • I actually thought this guy was WAY funny. So I dunno how he can think he’s much funnier than that. I’d go on a blind date – I’d be laughing my a** off the whole time.

      • I hope you like short guys, he’s a 5′ tall little asian man who bartends for a living in Adams Morgan.

  • This is really so tragic. But what is worse, for me, is Mommy Stroller Terrorists. Those mommies that come barreling down the street and will totally take you out if you don’t jump out of the way of their baby strollers. Using a baby as a weapon should be a felony.

    • Ha ha. I went to Panera on Saturday with my two kids (Dad terrorist, not mom terrorist) and the tables are so jammed in there that I pretty much had to smash my way to a table with the stroller. I felt a little bad but by the same token about 3/4 of the people in there were just using free wifi and had long ago ceased nursing their cups of coffee. They also had back packs and bags in the aisles etc. If I were in a electric wheel chair I probably would have gone demolition derby on the place.

    • Double worst – mommy stroller terrorists who use their babies to stop traffic….Really, lady? You’re going to shove your defenseless kid into the crosswalk just to see if you can get traffic to stop? Sorry, but your SUV-sized stroller is not going to stand a chance against an actual Escalade.

  • I got a kick out of the rant and would be willing to buy Ben a beer and discuss his jousting strategy for his troubles.

  • I would love to see the joust. PoP, you could stream it on the site and drive up traffic.

  • Young white guy purposely attacked by angry (at gentrifiers), old black guy in wheel chair. There I said it. I’m I right on this….but ya.

  • holy crap. this made my day.

  • If wheelchair guy were in a car, it would be vehicular assault, no? I don’t blame Ben for being angry and appreciate the creative way he vented.

  • Very interesting creative writing exercise. But what it amounts to is a load of passive aggressive, self-indulgent drivel. If you had a problem with the guy running you over, did you say it to him then and there? Or did you just slink away and stew about it until you decided to waste an hour crafting the CL gem at 4 in the morning?
    Also, you spotted this guy heading your way from FOUR OR FIVE FEET AWAY?! Even with a broken toe you ought to be able to juke and dodge a little better than that. How fast was this guy going, anyway? Damn, you must seriously suck at dodgeball (because I KNOW you play, right?)

    • Your post demonstrates why he wouldn’t have said anything to the perp. In this town, the victims that speak up to the perps just get attacked further.

  • I think I love you.

  • When the Nats played at RFK I remember seeing Charles Krautheimer operating his electric wheelchair at warp speed not even looking to see if people were in his way. I’m certain several feet were run over.

  • em

    The “how the f*ck am I going to explain to my bosses” line made me think of the time my foot was broken by someone who dropped a heavy suitcase on it while they were trying to cram onto a Metro car before the doors closed. The hazards of city life…

  • If you think this is funny, then you probably write in three. period. sentences. and you just can’t wait for the next “sh*t people say” video to come out.

  • I love it! I needed a laugh….and got it ten-fold. THANKS!

  • Lame. Although I totally agree, some electric wheelchair/rascal users are out of control. Wheeling down the middle of a traffic lane? Sure. Running people off sidewalks? It’s happened to me. Those things can really move.

    • You obviously haven’t seen the electric wheelchair dude who rides with traffic down the Connecticut Avenue hill north of Florida….during rush hour! Dude must have a death wish.

  • BAHAHAHA. This made my afternoon. Screw the duel let’s go on a date. I like Ben, he’s even gentlemanly enough to censor his curse words.

  • YES! Some douchebag on one of those really fast red scooters clipped me in L’Enfant Plaza. No excuse me or nothing. You know how crowded it is in the AM!

    There’s no fucking reason to go that fast.

    I realize that people with disabilities may be mad at the world. However, if you want to be respected like everybody else, you have to show some respect too. Nobody gets a pass.

    Luckily, it was only his toe that was broken.

  • I want this Ben guy; I want him bad. Broken toe and all.

  • I loved the rant! And the picture Ben included at the end of his post (“Sketch for DC Police”) just made me laugh even harder!

  • ben-
    “and i sir, am not a punk bitch” almost made me pee my pants. this is hilarious and all those people hating on you are stupid; ignore them. thank you, i’m going to laugh on this one for a while. 🙂 if you get your duel i expect pictures.

  • i appreciate all of your support against electric wheelchair bullying (the number one cause of broken feet in the nation).

    to everyone that thinks i’m a tool…i hope all of you get run over by a guy in an electric wheelchair.

    for narnia,

    ps – yes. i am actually the ben that posted this on craigslist. reply to posting if you want proof.

    • If you care to say what bar you work at, I would merrily buy you a drink, kind sir.

      • DISTRICT in adams morgan. don’t worry about buying me a drink. i’ll make you a shot of concentrated awesome and it will be on me simply based on principles and morals.

  • Awesome ad! This just demonstrates the sense of entitlement so many people in DC have. It’s about time people stand up to it.

  • Wow. Thanks for making my Saturday morning!

  • Absolutely hilarious.

    This guy should be directing film shorts.

    “The Duel”, a minor motion picture.

  • Go Ben!! I am willing to donate $5 to your electric wheelchair. Go for the 5000 turbo model, he won’t have time to even realize what hit him!

  • HAHAHA! YESS! This wasn’t me. I wish it was though.

    Also never kowtow to people in wheelchairs. They’re no different than everyone else and should be treated with equal disrespect.

  • Priceless, have been laughing out loud and sharing this with my coworkers. Yeah, when is the tournament? I can’t wait to see the old shit in the wheelchair get taken out! I see people like this all the time who think the world now owes them.

  • Bet that is the same wheelchair asshole guy who likes to sloooowly cross Irving or Park and stop even one car from making it through that stupid intersection, yelling at anyone who tries to steer around him. Then he sits there on the sidewalk. That’s right, he isn’t crossing the street to GO anywhere, he is just doing it to f-up traffic and piss people off…

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