The 13 Worst Things About Living in the District

Photo by PoPville flickr user ep_jhu

While there are certain things I love about the District, I also get tired of wearing rose colored glasses from time to time. The following was edited by that bastard Wilhelm von Humboldt. You are highly encouraged to (re)watch the Pharrell Williams HAPPY DC video to restore your equilibrium after reading. In no way did the consumption of gin and tonic with a splash of campari influence the make up of this list:

13. The Mall and Monuments – an easy one – when is the last time you’ve visited the Mall, seriously? And if you do it’s all mucked up with tourists taking photos.
12. Our local politicians – apparently some of our elected officials have had legal issues of late. And since the 90s. And they park wherever they want!
11. Row Houses – All overpriced and require thousands of dollars of upkeep every year.
10. Walkability – In many spots it’s a massive pain trying to cross Rock Creek Park while everywhere else cars will try their best to run you over.
9. History – We’ve never actually healed from its wounds so there’s a lot of bad blood lingering. Plus what else could cause DC born Dallas fans to be tolerated and even encouraged here.
8. Libraries – good luck getting a seat.
7. The 9:30 Club – the good shows all sell out in 15 minutes and good luck getting a beer.
6. Weather – the humid summers and mosquitos make a lethal mix.
5. The Nationals – How the hell do you pull Strasburg when you’re about to make the playoffs?!?!
4. The Cherry Blossoms blooming – sure they look pretty on the trees but that’s only for a few weeks then they litter our streets and get stuck to our shoes and you find them rotting all over your overpriced house. And tourists!
3. Our Museums – we screwed up the Corcoran Gallery of Art and have to dish it off to a university and the Feds.
2. Our Revival – where the rich get to eat everywhere and the poor get homeless.
1. The People – A large proportion of delusional, self important, self indulgent, insufferable know it alls who think they are smarter/cooler than you are. Not to mention the fucking tourists!