“Dear PoPville,
I was with my dog at a very overgrown P Street Beach in Dupont on Thursday afternoon when I spotted something blue and shiny in the jungle-like grass. At first I thought it was a ball that I could rehome for my dog (not that he needs more toys), but upon picking up the egg-shaped object, I realized it was, in fact, an egg.
I opened the egg to find the following voucher, redeemable for $1. As you might imagine, this was incredibly exciting. President Trump is bound and determined to tank the global economy, but here some kind soul is giving out free dollar bills in eggs. There was just one problem: I have no way to redeem this voucher.
Looking on the back of the voucher only further confused me, as there seemed to be some sort of secret code that I presumably am supposed to use to find the hider of the egg and retrieve my $1. The only trouble is, I never took a code decoding class in school and haven’t seen National Treasure in years, so I’m at a bit of a loss.
I’m looking for someone who a) has information about the person or persons who hid eggs on P Street Beach on Easter, b) can decode the message on the back of my voucher, or c) can offer me the $1 I’ve earned by finding the egg.
FAQ
Are you a child? No, I’m obviously not a child. Are children the only people allowed a sense of wonder and whimsy? It’s been approximately 25 years since I was given a dollar every time a tooth fell out, and I would like to recapture the magic of receiving a dollar bill for not doing much at all.
It’s now Thursday. The egg was likely hidden on Sunday. Why is it still there? That is an excellent question, and one that can only be answered by the condition of the grass at P Street Beach, which is long and overgrown. Who knows what else is hidden in that grass? If you’ve recently lost your car keys, your wallet, or your dignity, I recommend checking P Street Beach.
Why did you submit this to Missed Connections? Missed Connections is for dating. I haven’t yet ruled out the option that an emotionally available single man in his 30s hid these eggs under the ruse of distributing dollar bills because our dating scene really is that bad. If that is the case, I would happily accept his number instead of $1.
Are there other forms of payment you would accept? Aside from cash or the phone number of an emotionally available single man in his 30s, I would accept Venmo or Zelle. I don’t have Cash App, despite the very frequent exhortations of the Pod Save America hosts between the years of 2016 and 2020.
The Democratic establishment’s response to the chaos Trump is unleashing has been unsatisfying in many ways. Have you considered that hiding these eggs may be their form of resistance? Of course; that may in fact be the most likely scenario. If that is what’s going on here, I encourage our Members of Congress to try something a little bolder and less cryptic. Also, you owe me $1.”
