Checking Out Some of DC’s Best Wifi Network Names by Jeremy Barr

by Prince Of Petworth June 17, 2013 at 11:30 am 38 Comments

Screen Shot 2013-06-17 at 8.58.47 AM
Photo by PoPville flickr user Vileinist

Jeremy Barr is a native of suburban Maryland, he now lives in Mount Vernon Square. He last wrote about MPD light towers.

In a city like Washington, D.C., there are many ways to show off your creativity and sense of humor. And in this new, wired, interconnected world of ours, one such medium for expression is your WiFi network.

When I get up in the morning and connect my devices, I always wonder why someone chose to name their network “kittenfat.” Another neighbor’s choice — “notyours” — makes clear their antipathy toward sharing.

With an afternoon to burn and a gassed-up Vespa, I decided to scoot around town in search of D.C.’s most clever WiFi names. I hit up about 15 cafes and bars (mostly in Northwest) in total.

Based on my extensive, scientifically-sound research, I can posit that internet memes are a big source of inspiration. There’s “ERMAGERD” (Adams Morgan) and “ErNardNet” (Woodley Park), and the 2010 classic “Hide_Yo_Kids_Hide_Yo_Wifi” (18th and U).

Two other throwbacks are “snakes_on_a_network” (Adams Morgan) and “More Cowbell” (Foggy Bottom), a reference to a classic Will Ferrell Saturday Night Live bit. I’m also going to guess that “Jwoww” (Columbia Heights) was a choice made in 2009 or 2010.

Animals are also a big thing. At Tynan in Columbia Heights, you can try tapping into “honeybunny,” “Sleeping Bear” or “doggilove.” I’ve never heard of a “crabdawg,” but apparently someone living near Dos Gringos in Mt. Pleasant has.

I’m not religious, but I was impressed with “Jesus is Watching You Do That” at The Coffee Bar in Shaw.  Though “GirlsGoneWireless” was a more enticing option.

As you’d expect, downtown D.C. has the most boring WiFi names. And some people, including Craig of “Craig’s WiFi Network” (Logan Circle) opt for the literal route. I’m sure he has his reasons.

What’s your favorite network name? Do you know Craig?

  • Anonymous

    Our home network’s name is SEX_PANTHER_DEN
    I still giggle whenever I log in.

    Though, “Hide_Yo_Kids_Hide_Yo_Wifi” is hilarious.

  • Anonymous

    A couple years ago there was a BoobieTown near 16 and V, my phone wanted to connect while waiting at the crosswalk, can’t blame it!

  • Anonymous

    Mine is SurveillanceVan57.

  • X

    Had you ventured into NE you might’ve spotted my Abraham Linksys network.

    • Jeremy Barr


      • X

        The backup was Pretty Fly For A WiFi

        • Jeremy Barr


        • NEsortofgirl

          Aww yeah, mine is called “Pretty Fly for a Wifi”, which yeah, I stole from the Internet.

    • S


  • zenalex

    Mine is Free_Internet. And no, it’s not free.

  • Anonymous

    Tokyo sexwhale

  • @Skram

    My favorite is still “Connect Me Maybe?” which my phone always finds in the lobby of my West End condo building

  • Carbon Turnweather

    I still enjoy “No Parents!” from my old apartment

  • Mine is “thecockpit”

  • Matt

    Mine is “ICanHearYouHavingSex.”
    Because I can.

  • Liz

    The best one I’ve seen in my apartment building is Hold_My_Weave_Bitch. I need to be friends with those people.

  • KSB

    My husband named ours “Longshanks.” Fine in Braveheart context, weird in wifi context…sigh.

  • Anonymous

    Bill Wi the Science Fi …

  • Anonymous

    Used to see “I_Can_See_You_Having_Sex” near my office.

  • b

    best one ive seen so far is “ballsdeepinternational”

  • Anonymous

    FBI Surveillance Van #47

  • Anonymouses

    “SKYNET” is ours. Please, log on soon! We need to grow this network for the robot singularity to ever get off the ground!

  • monkeydaddy

    Funny idea for a story, Jeremy. Thanks for the lulz.

  • S

    On Shepherd Street, you can find “Lambs to the Slaughter”.

  • Anonymous

    There’s MonkeySex somewhere on my block, which would barely be mildly entertaining by itself. But the fact that I have occasionally seen ZooLovinMuffin (it’s a sneaky one– probably only seen it turned on (ha!) half a dozen times) elevates the humor.

  • vz

    I am quite proud of my DC-apropos SSID: WIFIOTUS

    • Monroe

      Yes, good one!

  • Anon

    In my old apartment building I was able to see the names of other apts networks which included:

    “Two Vaginas and a dog”

    “Poop in your MOUTH”

    “FBI Surveillance Truck”

    and some other odd ones. Mine was pretty boring an generic.

  • AMDCer

    My favorite that I see at home is “My House Shoots Lasers”

  • Kerry

    Ours is Thrillho

    One in my area is Stink Ship.

  • Lyon

    I used to live in a building with the scary-sounding “Virus_Filled_Network”.

  • hma


  • h st ll

    I’ve got a neighbor who uses “Two Fat Fucks.” Really curious who it is – I respect their gumption!

  • Anonymous

    My favorite on my block is, “I have a 500 pound co..”

  • Anonymous

    “Use Linux? Die Alone!”

    What does it mean?

  • Sydney P

    The one I wasn’t able to tap into, in our building, is called “Get_Your_Own”.

    So I had to move.

  • hollsbb

    our neighbors use “tongue my *ss” but honestly i have no clue who it is.

    • magentaclouds

      our is
      ‘cuz he is.
      nothing else in the vicinity goes off the grid even a little bit-go figure, we live in Glover Park!


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