Random Reader Rant and/or Revel

Photo by PoPville flickr user wolfpackWX

You can talk about whatever is on your mind – quality of life issues, a beautiful tree you spotted, scuttlebutt, or any random questions/thoughts you may have. But please no personal attacks and no need to correct people’s grammar. This is a place to vent and/or celebrate things about daily life in DC.

255 Comment

  • Rave: I visited my friend in the hospital last night — she’s out of ICU! Hopefully this time, she won’t have to make a return visit. She looked great and we’re very hopeful that she’ll be released sooner rather than later. Now that she’s improved so much (her kidneys and liver are fine now), she can do what needs to be done at home and see if that helps with the heart issues — surgery is still an option, but not immediately. This is awesome!!

    Rave: We’re having a potluck/pumpkin carving day at work this afternoon! Fun!

    Rant: I am doing terribly at preparing my meals in advance (for the 21 day fix) — looks like I’m going to have to do many more rounds to get into the habit of making this all happen.

    Rant: I have a rough therapy session happening tonight. I know that this is probably going to turn out great but when we touched on this issue last week, I was not okay and she said she’d leave it for one week but it’s clear that this needs to be worked on.

    • phl2dc

      Hurray for your raves! Good luck for tonight!

    • Glad to hear that your friend is doing so much better!

    • I Dont Get It

      Your raves made me smile!

    • Great news about your friend!

      Regarding the dreaded conversation with your therapist, sometimes it has helped me just to start sessions with a very honest “I really don’t want to talk about this but know I need to do so.” Also, if it is a heavy topic, maybe schedule something extra indulgent for later this evening or later in the week — a massage, a mani/pedi, a hike, or coffee with a dear friend. #teamselfcare

      • Thanks!
        We broached the topic last week, and I wound up getting really upset so she agreed to postpone it more until this week so I had time to be ready for it. I am not sure how long I can keep postponing it, because she knows that’s what I am doing.

        I am definitely going to be having a lot of fun things this weekend, so maybe I can focus on getting through it tonight — it’s “practice” because I need to be able to handle things better (handle things better = not pushing everyone away, accepting offers of help, and not and hiding in a blanket fort with the cat) with when my father passes away –we’re at the point where that is a thing that is happening as we discuss quality of life/no more chemo, and I think if I DON’T think about it, then it’s not actually happening. Does that make sense?
        By the way, I don’t mean to say that my father is dying right now, but there’s no more chemo to hold his stupid cancer at bay any longer and we have to face it.

        • Emmaleigh504

          ” hiding in a blanket fort with the cat” I want to do that right now and I have zero drama in my life right now. It just sounds comfy πŸ™‚
          I’m sorry there’s nothing else to do for your father. Now is the time to record those funny stories and find out if he wants his body thrown in a ditch with maybe a peach tree (my dad) or wants a ginormous angel at the family graveyard (me and my mom). But mostly, get those stories! that way you are sort of thinking about it and dealing with it in a much easier way than heavy conversations (you may still need those, but happy convos can cushion a bit).

        • phl2dc

          I’m sorry to read about your dad. That’s really rough and I totally hear you re: “I think if I DON’T think about it, then it’s not actually happening.” That’s one of the reasons why I sleep more, a lot more when I go through hellish times. It’s just so nice to not be awake and aware, sometimes.
          But like you said, it must be faced. It sounds like you’re starting to get a grip on things, even though you may feel like there’s a lot of work to be done. It’s hard to be able to handle things better 100% of the time, but on those occasions where you just can’t even, you should allow yourself to hide under a blanket fort with your cat and “push” people away. We all need a little bit of time alone.

        • Everything you said makes a lot of sense. And I do think processing the reality of your dad’s condition now (while hard) will ultimately benefit you. The more you can accept that reality, I think the more present you can be with your dad while you have him and really get clear on what you want that time to look like and what you need. Sending you all the hugs, SinSA. And also a gentle reminder: you don’t always have to be the strong one. Let some good friends/loved ones climb into that blanket fort with you and give you hugs and Ben and Jerry’s ice cream when you need it. Also, cats really are the best companions in happiness and sorrow.

        • I’m not sure there is a good or right way to deal with the dying of someone close to you. It sucks, it just does. You aren’t in denial about what’s happening, you wrote about it quite clearly above. Seems like doing whatever you need to do to get through this time is OK, even if it involves spending some time under the blankets. When faced with such things, we aren’t always capable of acting in some “proper” way that we, or others, might decree that we should act. You are dealing with it as you are able to, which is all any of us do. Not sure what’s going on with your therapist, if there are other things not mentioned, but supporting you through this should be their goal. I thought therapy was supposed to respond to what the client wants to talk about. There isn’t one correct way to go through this. I feel for you.

    • Hooray! So glad to hear your friend is improving.

  • Rant: The horse I’ve loved and have been riding for three years died last night of colic…So grateful her owner shared her with me. So so sad she’s gone.

    With everything going on, and a shitty day at the office yesterday, I’m just going to go sit in a corner now and do nothing…at least I have a door on my office. Crying at work is all the rage. And talking to lawyers about involuntary commitment.

    • phl2dc

      I’m sorry for your loss! and sorry that you’re going through a rough patch. Close that door and watch funny videos on YouTube. Feel better!

    • So sorry to hear this and all that’s going on with your friend. Sending hugs!

    • Oh no. I am so so sorry.

    • special_k

      I’m so sorry. No shame in crying. Sending you good thoughts.

    • Oh man, I’m so sorry. On both counts. Definitely cry as needed, holding in the emotional tension makes it so much harder. Sending hugs. I think I read yesterday you’re concerned about the quality of the institution used in involuntary commitment circumstances? If so, try to take things one day and one issue at a time. If you can get her into treatment, hopefully you can keep tabs once she is there.

    • I’m sorry that’s a lot to deal with.
      But definitely cry it out. Emotions are just another bodily function and you have to let them go through you (like poop!), so don’t hold in the crying.
      I know, it’s kind of a weird way to think about it, but it has totally helped me.

    • Emmaleigh504

      I’m so sorry for your loss. hugs

    • Oh, that’s terrible. I’m so sorry.

    • I Dont Get It

      Virtual hugs!

    • Thanks all. I feel so much at a loss as to where to go next. So closed door and tears are working for now. I’ll move on later.

  • phl2dc

    Rave: New favorite deli has a great breakfast hot bar! I got a blueberry muffin, too. YUM! FOOD!
    Rant: This kind of weather always gives me such headaches. Started last night and lingered into this morning – ibuprofen not helping, but caffeine helping to take the edge off. Argh.
    Rave: Dental cleaning today! Hope I’m still cavity-free.
    Rant: Feeling nervous about my mom’s biopsy results…

  • Rant: My rain boots have a hole in them, and I was going to repair it with “shoe goo” this weekend but I forgot. I could use those boots today.
    Rant: I’m so sleepy this morning. Forget about doing work.
    Rave: It’s hump day and I’m excited for this weekend. Two Halloween parties and the start of NaNoWriMo!

  • Rant: Such poor sleep last night. I spent from 1:30 to 7:30 tossing and turning on the couch.
    Rave: I think my Indian auntie’s suggestion of eating more yogurt to combat heartburn seems to be working. I see a lot of salt lassi in my future.
    Rave: Catching up with dear law school friends this evening.

  • Rant: today’s weather. It’s such a downer.
    Rave: Rode on a 7000 series Metro car for the first time. I liked it. The electronic screen showing upcoming stations and the seats were nice. Enjoyed the cleanliness of it while it lasts.
    Rave: Prompted by a dude who didn’t say thank you to someone helping him out when he left something on Metro as he was leaving the car, had a nice discussion with a pleasant stranger on the way to work this morning on Metro about manners and the fact that people don’t have any nowadays.
    Rant: No Scream Queens last night and no Empire tonight due to the World Series.
    Rave: Listening to Janet Jackson on my phone.

  • Random question: Has anyone had a procedure done to remove or diminish little red veins on the face? I’m not even sure what this would be called or how it’s done… Or if it’s something people even do!

    Rave: Thanks to the OB/GYN thread I think there may actually be an actual name for something I’ve been experiencing. Thanks PoPville!

    Rant: Rainy yucky day but…

    Rave: At least it’s not too cold this morning.

    Rant: Cold or allergies coming on. Can’t tell which!

    • phl2dc

      Spider veins? There’s a laser treatment for that! See a dermatologist πŸ™‚

    • Little red veins: Yep, laser. Worked like a dream. My insurance covered the visit to the derm, but I had to pay $100 extra to get the laser as opposed to some other treatment. It was worth it. (I had little splotches of broken capillaries on my chest which made me look permanently sunburned.)
      They come back, though.

      • I Dont Get It

        I have great insurance but mine wasn’t covered since it was considered cosmetic. Mine were on my face and five years later, have not come back. Clearly we all have had different experiences…

        • Thanks! Mine are on my face too and that seems like something I could afford. Would you mind if I ask who you went to?

          • I Dont Get It

            Braun Dermatology in Foggy Bottom. I go to Alicia Braun but there is also Martin Braun and Martin Braun Jr and Marissa Braun. I once made a joke that they were the Von Braun Family singers. It didn’t go over well.

        • Oh! I had one that was close enough to the surface to bleed if I accidentally scratched it. That was all the insurance needed to hear. And then the derm just zapped the rest too as a precautionary measure. πŸ™‚

    • I Dont Get It

      Yes I’ve had it. It’s a basic dermatology laser procedure. I think mine cost around $500 for 3 sessions. They increase the intensity per session and after the last one I looked very scabby for a few days but it’s totally worth it

    • Allison

      If they’re red, and tend to be around the nostril area, I think they’re called broken capillaries.

  • Farragut

    RAVE: Go Royals! I can’t have my sister supporting two World Series winners in a row (she lived in SF last year, now lives in Brooklyn).

  • FtLincolnLove

    Rave: Super pumped for Halloween! I’m dressing as Han Solo and my husband is dressing up as Princess Leia.
    Rant: So much crap to get rid of but I feel there’s never enough time to sit down and go through things.
    Rave: Lots of cat cuddles this morning.
    Query: We have a huge chest freezer and wine cooler sitting in our garage- is anyone interested? They both are free, at this point we just want them out. Email me at ftlincolnlove at gmail dot com if you want pictures or more details!

    • Ah! love your couple’s costumes! That sounds like a hoot! And I soooo wish I could take your chest freezer off your hands, but sadly I have no room for it.

  • Rave: That photo!!

  • Rave: Keeping myself busy at work again today.
    Rave: I am a midterm, a paper, and a test away from the end of the semester. I think I can do this.
    Rant: My changed work schedule means my bus is twice as busy going into work and going home, and it makes me grumpy. I was spoiled being able to sit down on the way to work when I was allowed to come in half an hour earlier…
    Rave: Gaining an hour of sleep or partying this weekend! Can’t go wrong with that.

    • phl2dc

      You can do it! Wait – is it time to change the clocks already…

      • Thanks! And yup! Saturday night. I couldn’t believe it either — I almost forgot. Not looking forward to leaving work in the dark, but it’ll be nice to get some extra time this weekend.

        • phl2dc

          I hadn’t even thought about how dark it would be outside at 7 am… WAHHHH

          • We fall back! It should get lighter in the morning but it’ll be dark around 5pm :[ That’s what I’m dreading. My [already lacking] motivation is going to kick the bucket on Sunday.

          • phl2dc

            Oh wait, duh. Blarg! I go to the gym after work nowadays so it’s DEFINITELY gonna be dark when I get home.

  • janie4

    Rave: Week three of the exercise plan is going – can’t say it’s fun, but I’m doing it. This week I started interval training, next week I start a weight routine as well.
    Rave: I am done with all my Ikea assembly (except doors, which Ikea makes pretty easy).
    Rave: Appliances arrived yesterday for the apartment, and my new washer and dryer came too. They’re Electrolux. They have lights that turn on when you open the door. They’re so fancy!
    Rave: God willing, the apartment will be done next week, and I can rent it out for December or January.

  • Rant: I have always felt like a cheerleader for DCPS. But recent events have me coming to the realization that DCPS just may not be the place for at least one of my children, if not all of them. I understand that they are trying, especially on the school level. I see teachers and administrators working so damn hard. But it is becoming abundantly clear that Central really has their own agenda and is a hot, hot mess.
    Rave: At least I have the ability to move.
    Rant: Others who don’t.

  • Rave: Practice cancelled last night (would have actually been a good day to row) so I go to sleep in — to almost 6AM.
    Rave: Girlfriend decided (not entirely without reason) that she’s been cranky to me for a couple of days and so cooked dinner last night and spent this morning telling me about my many (exaggerated, if not imaginary) virtues and watching me get dressed with an expression on her face like a schoolgirl who really did find a pony under the tree Christmas morning. It was like mainlining gin and self-esteem and I kind of floated into the office despite the traffic. I am a lucky boy.
    Rant: The container opened in my gym bag and I got pig cheek and gravy on my laptop and gym clothes.
    Rave: Mess contained, pig cheeks for lunch.

  • Rant: Didn’t end up going to yoga last night because my stomach was super upset. Came home and fell asleep for 20 minutes on my couch.
    Rave: The nap helped put me in a better mood, and now I feel more prepared to go to yoga tonight, despite the yucky rain.
    Rave: Plans for a hike in the Shenandoah with some friends – should be a nice time!
    Rave: Roomie’s making dinner tonight! Huzzah, I don’t have to fuss with anything!
    Rant: It’s so dark, it feels like it’s always dark. Sun, please come back!

  • Rant: Sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever so I can’t rest & my nyquil expired 2 years ago
    Rave-ish: Didn’t need cold meds last year, or the year before
    Rave: If I couldn’t walk the few blocks to Target/CVS, Amazon has same day delivery of all the meds I want

  • Rave: Mac’s Tire Service – we were in and out in a few short minutes last night. The second we pulled up the guy was already assessing things, and their timing is so good that he sent us to pay and the second we returned he was done putting on the new tire. I am impressed!
    Rave: Clean house and snacks for impending guests
    Rave: Snuggly dog
    Rave: Back is feeling better=more sleep=more raves!

  • Pablo Raw

    Rave: Last night’s High Heel Race.
    Rave: Girl who asked me: “Are you a pro? who are you shooting for?” and I said “PoPville” to what she replied “That’s huge!” “that’s a huge blog!!”
    Rant: People in charge of media of the event who have no clue of the importance of blogs like this one.

  • Rave: Friend of a friend at gym class yesterday, hoping it’s mutually motivating to see each other there so we keep going.

    Rave2: Dog sitting this weekend. Lucy secretly likes this dog so maybe I’ll catch interspecies cuddling this time.

    Q for Popville: Anyone had luck with professional treatment for termites and have a recommendation to share? My building needs to hire someone to deal with it.

  • Accountering

    Rave: Mac’s Tire shop at 4th and Florida NE. This place is a godsend. Andie had a flat (sidewall, tire is destroyed and unrepairable.) I have been here a couple of times before, and this 24/7/365 operation is GOOD. We pull in at 9:00pm, and they have us back on the road with a used tire with very similar wear to the rest of the tires on the car (maybe 15,000 miles left) in less than 15 minutes, and for a total of $69. These guys are rockstars. If you own a car, remember Mac’s next time you have tire problems.
    Rave2: Heading to NYC for Tough Mudder and a broadway show with brothers and significant others, as well as parents next Friday! Then onto Copenhagen from JFK with Andie for a night, and then Paris Wed-Sun. Very very excited!
    Rave3: Basement AirBNB is doing very well! So nice to not be hemorrhaging money anymore.
    Rave4: Big meeting in Crystal City tonight after work. Hoping to get the work situation sorted soon.
    Rave5: Caps Penguins tonight!! Go Caps!

  • Big rant: Hearing the terrible details of a pending divorce in my circle and its breaking my heart. I knew things were really bad, but they are really, really, really bad. And there’s only so much I can do to help even though the person is fairly close to me. This is going to screw up the life of someone I care about for a very, very long time, and not just emotionally. There’s going to be a bankruptcy declaration, and an ugly custody battle ahead and there are so many problems to work out it’s hard to know where to start.
    Rave: I’m hugging my husband a little closer today. and generally feeling lucky to mostly be surrounded by sensible, kind people who make good decisions. It’s too easy to take this for granted.

    • You can help! Having been there, the best thing to do is just be as supportive as possible. You don’t seem like the type, but “I told you so” or “yeah, I saw this coming” never, ever helps. Also, when the time is right, remind him/her that there is hope. Bankruptcy is not the worst thing in the world, and often it can be mitigated by explaining it was due to a divorce (I’ve also seen this happen at the end of a marriage and narrowly avoided it myself). The custody stuff will be the hardest. Hopefully they are in a jurisdiction that assumes joint custody and hopefully they can work whatever issues they have out for the good of the child(ren).
      Honestly, one of the roughest parts of my divorce was losing friends. Just being there as a supportive friend really is so very important.

      • He’s got a lot of support and we’re all trying as much as possible to help him look forward rather than dwell on past mistakes. I think the toughest part is going to working on the custody issues. Although he is going to do everything he can for the sake of the children, his wife is going to make this as painful for the children as possible. I just don’t get that at all, but that’s where it is πŸ™

        • That is super, super crappy. He should not be hesitant to get the courts involved in order to protect the kids. As in, having a court-appointed person who appears and looks out for the children’s well being (I cannot for the life of me remember the term for it right now!). An unbiased opinion could really help his cause and definitely the children’s cause if she is being a nasty witch for no reason but to inflict pain.

          • Guardian ad litem?

          • I agree this could be a good idea and ill look into it. If anyone has any further recommendations on how the legal system (in VA) could help, I’d appreciate it. I don’t think her actions technically qualify as abuse, but they come uncomfortably close to the line.

          • I think the person/role you’re thinking of is Court-Appointed Special Advocate (CASA). IIRC, there’s someone on PoPville who has served as a CASA.

          • I was thinking of the guardian ad litem.
            Without going into detail, from personal experience I know that there is a big difference between actual and borderline or perceived neglect/abuse. One person’s “wtf, how could you do that, that’s neglect/abuse” is the court’s “well, you know, technically it’s not, but it’s close, and really there’s nothing we can do unless you call CPS.”

        • Has your friend found a good attorney? I know that’s often the last thing someone wants to think about in the midst of the upheaval, but it really is important. If he’s in northern VA, I can recommend the practice that a friend used during a really terrible divorce and custody dispute.

          And as the child of divorced parents, I agree with you. I don’t know how people make it so hard on their kids. It is just so grossly unfair and will have ripple effects in their lives for years to come. I really think every divorce decree involving children should come with a clause mandating on-going family counseling so people learn to co-parent well and not dump their relationship baggage on their kids. Can you tell I feel strongly about this issue?

          • No, and this is a tough point. His financial situation is bad enough that it’s hard to imagine paying an attorney, so we’re trying to figure out what the circle can do to help since everyone agrees that having a lawyer would help him. If the attorney you used happens to accept cases on a sliding scale (or even better, pro bono), I’d love to find out their contact info.
            By the way, I couldn’t agree more on the need for ongoing counseling. I feel bad for the parents here, but I feel a LOT worse for the kids.

          • I’m going to play the devil’s advocate here for a second. I am also the child of divorced parents, and I know people whose parents are divorced and they still have a great relationship with both sides of their family. But personally, I don’t think that it IS necessarily better for children to still have to see both parents, or have contact with both parents, or for parents to co-parent, depending on the individual family situation. This is especially true in cases with a history of domestic violence (physical or mental), imo. In certain cases, the focus should be on keeping the children SAFE from both physical and mental harm that can continue post-divorce. (Unforunately, I don’t think this is something the court system handles well when dealing with custody/visitation/etc.)

          • P.S. Shawess — there must be a pro-bono firm or Legal Aid in VA that you could help him contact. Whether or not they have the capacity for new cases, I’m not sure.

          • My friend emptied his 401(k) to pay for his divorce attorney, not sure if they do sliding scale.

            Some possible pro bono/reduced rate resources in Virgnia: the Women’s Center, VA Legal Aid, resources listed on Virginia Bar Association Page, Domestic Relations Clinic at GMU Law School. I’ll see what I can find re: bankruptcy law. Unfortunately, there are way more clinical and pro bono programs in DC than I can locate in VA.

          • FridayGirl, the points you raised are definite concerns here, and are some of the many reasons that there is hesitation to call in authorities.
            I’v been looking into legal aid options and it doesn’t seem like there are many (if any) in northern Virginia that will take on “complex” cases (i.e. anything other than no-fault divorces). The Women’s Center looks like it has some very good resources and I have passed those on.

          • Gah. This is hard! I did my divorce on my own with help from legal friends, but I represented myself in court. We had a VERY easy divorce – nothing financial to sort out, we agreed to a custody agreement and child support long before the actual hearing, and on the day of the divorce it was quick and painless. However, I have seen other divorces where things start off amicably, and some where between that separation and the year they have to wait to get divorced, things change. A lot of times someone gets influenced to go after more, sometimes feelings just get hurt. But it happens a lot. My recommendation now to anyone going through a divorce is that if you and your spouse can come to an agreement, do it and do it quickly, file, and get it done with. Otherwise, get a lawyer. I know exactly how tough it is trying to figure out how to afford one. But it will pay off in the end. I know this will sound crazy, but maybe he should try and hook up with one of those “mens rights” groups? They may assist cheaply or for free.

          • @FridayGirl, I completely agree with you that sometimes no contact really is the best policy for kids. That’s something I thought about after I posted. I have a number of friends who don’t speak to a parent for very, very good reasons. And depending on the circumstances (addiction, abuse, neglect), it is very true that on-going family counseling and/or contact with a parent may actually do more harm than good.

          • @Anonamom, you definitely see the challenges here. I don’t see this wife agreeing to anything other than full custody, the house, the car, and big alimony payments. But her husband simply can’t afford that, given that he’d now have to set up his own new life — and pay lawyer fees. A main reason why things have escalated to this point is that she has totally unrealistic (read: bonkers) expectations about the family’s finances and my guess is that will only get worse going forward.

          • I get the challenges he is facing. Perhaps someone in the circle can help by offering him a place to stay while he pays for a lawyer? From the sounds of it, getting a lawyer should be a priority.

    • Accountering

      Bummer to all of the above. So sorry to hear about that. Divorce sucks, but at least there is a light at the end of the tunnel. It sounds like that light is a long, long ways off for the people in your circle.

    • Ugh divorce makes me so sad. Coworker is going through one right now and it’s really nasty. Divorce is bad enough, but when it gets really nasty it’s terrible.

      • Accountering

        Sometimes divorce isn’t a bad thing. It isn’t always sad and horrible. Mine was extremely amicable, and we both simply realized that we weren’t meant to be together, and I am a much better person as a result of it. Sometimes it just wasn’t meant to be, and there is no amount of counseling/work that is going to fix it, and with no kids involved, it is time to cut the cord.
        Of course there are plenty of times when it is nasty, and dirty, and can turn into a horrible thing.

        • +1. And there are also times when it’s a horrible thing in some ways and a very, very good thing in other ways. As Anonamom mentioned, the best thing to do is to be supportive. And Shawess, I hope that amidst all the chaos and nastiness, your friend(?) is able to recognize some good that might come out of it in the long-run.

        • Agreed Accountering. Mine – even with kids involved – was the best for all of us. Unfortunately, this does not sound like one of those situations. However, with time wounds heal and I’m always hopeful that people can make the best out of situations.

        • Agreed, and sometimes people don’t get divorced and should. However, the one I am seeing firsthand is REALLY bad because it started out amicable, but has turned hostile. There are kids involved and they have a front seat to it all. When I hear the stories I cringe for the children.

      • Cosign that some divorce can actually be for the best. This is definitely not one of those cases. I’m actually really struggling myself to see how this could be good for anyone in the long run, but am really looking for a silver lining here. The most I can muster is that lessons will be learned and hopefully the same mistakes won’t be repeated. (Here is where I get into my ugly told-you-so stance: literally every single person I know warned him that this lady was bad news when they first met, and has continued to feel that way. So none of this really comes as a surprise.)

        • Bah, I’m so sorry to hear this.

        • I admittedly know no details here, but based on what you’ve posted:
          ” I knew things were really bad, but they are really, really, really bad.”
          “his wife is going to make this as painful for the children as possible.”
          . . . this sure sounds like it’s for the best. Maybe not the horrible process, but the end result of ridding himself (to the extent possible, with kids involved) of a toxic presence in his life. Silver lining, right?

          • Agreed, although it’s hard to take much comfort in that. Even if they end up divorced, they still have children together and he expects that he’s going to have to keep paying her (a lot of) alimony for the rest of his life. So her toxic presence will sort of always be lingering there. I wish I could imagine another way, but I can’t really.

          • I’m no family lawyer, but I have observed some divorces in Northern Virginia, and alimony isn’t forever. Child support is until the child is 18, but alimony is only until the receiving spouse has the opportunity to become financially established – 5 years, I think? People sometimes give in to avoid a lengthy and expensive court battle, but I think the days of judicially ordered alimony until death are over (as are the assumption that the ex-wife will get the house, car, etc. and the ex husband will pay for it all).

          • Now THAT is a silver lining, dcd. Seriously. I think you just made my day.

          • Hitman? (just kidding, sort of. It’s just these sorts of situations where you kind understand, just a tiny bit, people who want to off their exes!)

          • +1. And tbh, people worm their way out of child support before 18 (or 21 depending on state), too. I’m sure there are legal precedents for curtailing both alimony and child support in certain cases.

          • I don’t think child support is an issue here. He wants to make sure the kids are well set up. But alimony is a major sticking point. The wife basically wants to act like she’s retired when she’s in her early 30s even though they’re struggling badly — and by that, I mean that -he- is struggling badly — to pay their bills.
            If my opinion matters here (and I know it doesn’t), I think he would be out of his mind not to fight to get out of alimony payments. It may be dramatic to say she doesn’t deserve a penny, but I actually don’t think she does.

          • Oh, well in that case! There is something called “willful underemployment” that he can use as a defense. She is not legally able to willfully underemploy herself just to be well taken care of. This is not 1950. Alimony for someone in their 30s without a disability will be two years max in most cases, and if he can prove that she is willfully choosing not to work, it could be much less. I know some one who’s ex was a SAHM who basically refused to get a job when their only child started school (which led to a lot of financial issues, and did not help with the marriage breakdown), then after they separated, she still did not have a job for over a year, even though they had complete 50/50 custody. You can guess who does not get alimony! And yes, he absolutely needs an attorney for this sort of thing.

          • Thanks, Anonamom — that is VERY helpful.

        • I”m very sorry for your friend, but the divorce sounds like a blessing in a very effective disguise. Your description of his wife fits my brother’s wife to a tee, and she was nightmarish during the divorce-fighting for every dime, trying to turn the kids against him, lying about everything to anyone who would listen. We were all very happy to see her go.

  • Rant: Started the day by stepping in dog crap. Come on people pick it up!
    Rave: So close to new job I can walk.
    Rave: Taskrabbit.
    Rave: Roomie not holding me up by moving last minute.

  • Rave: Date last night went really well! He’s so easy to talk to and really fun – we spent three hours at dinner without realizing how much time went by, then kept hanging out the rest of the night. Starting to really like someone makes me nervous though.
    Rant: Especially since he’s just in DC for a fellowship (bit under a year left) and then will probably be going back to the west coast. Ahhh…

    • That sounds so wonderful. Just try to enjoy and live in the moment πŸ™‚

    • Accountering

      YES YES YES! This makes me happy. This is how it is supposed to be! No worries, a year is PLENTY of time, and he may decide he likes D.C. and wants to stay. I say just enjoy the moment, and see where it goes. PLEASE do not worry about this year thing, just have fun, get to know him, and go from there! Congrats!

      • +1, and yay, littlen! I’m so happy to hear of all the good things happening for you right now!

      • +1! Congrats littlen!

      • Thank you!! Yeah, I’m not really worrying about it too much – almost a year is pretty long, and it’s just great to spend time with him! We’ll see how it goes. πŸ™‚ It’s so nice to find someone that is so easy and comfortable to be around, and so easy to talk to.

      • Anonynon

        I’m going to have to disagree respectfully. I know many many people who say live in the moment but i know first hand that when that year comes up, things probably won’t change. I know 2 direct examples.

        • What do you mean by “things probably won’t change”?

        • Emmaleigh504

          +1 it’s fund til they actually leave. Then it really sucks b/c they could have stayed, but didn’t.

        • Accountering

          Meh, this dude is likely in his 20s or early 30s.. He is in D.C. for another year, at least. Whats to say he doesn’t get a good job offer here, love the city, and decide to stay?

          • He’s 30, and in IT. I think I remember him initially saying he might consider looking for a job here after the fellowship, but then last night he mentioned several times it being temporary. :shrug: I’ll just see – I also have thought about moving to the west coast for a long time (I’ve just been nervous to move if I don’t know too many people in a place), so if things really work out then that’s a possibility as well. I have some friends over there now too. My parents have actually kept telling me that I should try the west coast. That’s jumping ahead of things though, we’ll see if this even goes anywhere haha.

        • phl2dc

          +1. I lived in the moment and deeply regret it.

    • The one year deadline (here’s hoping that it’s fun for a year and you find a way to carry on) reminds me of the old saying: “life is short, eat dessert first!” Why shouldn’t a third date be Paris? πŸ™‚

  • Extra Special Rant: Contractors. Incompetence-based wholesale changes required. So angry I may burst a blood vessel.

    • Why? What happened?

      • Measurements that were accurate in initial plans somehow were changed in subsequent plans – no one knows (or will tell me) how or why. And it’s not an inch or two – more than a foot was mysteriously added, we based design decisions around that, and now it’s “Whoops, we have to change all this, because we thought we had X inches to work with, and we only have Y.” WTF? Plus, a core condition of a separate kitchen element was changed without our knowledge – we only noticed it because we were reviewing the revised plans necessitated by the OTHER screw-up. (Silver lining there, I guess.) We no longer have the luxury of time to fix mistakes – things need to go smoothly, and I have zero expectation they will. Aargh.

        • Yikes, good luck. I’d ask for a discount somewhere in there because there is some serious lack of attention to detail going on there.

    • Sorry to hear this – I can sympathize!

  • Rant: Weather
    Rave: I’m inside!
    Question/rant/rave: I’m the thinking-about-moving anon from yesterday… I’d really like to do some weekend traveling to explore potential options, but don’t really want to go by myself — my friends are not really in places where they can do that kind of thing (babies, family, etc.). I can see the potential logic of going by myself, but as an extrovert I might very well dislike a place just by virtue of being alone during the visitation, whereas in an actual move I would be more prepared to deal with the loneliness as part of the package. Any suggestions for how to meet a travel buddy?


    Rant: Still bummed about not being “friends” with low match. Friendly when we run into each other but nothing more than hi and bye. Definitely awkward. We just stopped talking, making plans, and inviting each other to things. He’s dating someone new, so I get the not wanting to talk to the last person he dated. Better off not being real friends.
    Rave: made a new friend on my own! met up with an internet friend IRL and we hit it off! and just friends, i swear. he’s queer and dates men. downside: shares friends with low match but at least isn’t friends with him. i’m very excited about being able to make friends on my own.

    • Glad to hear all this! Making new friends is fun! And I’m still hoping to meet you at one of the Popville HHs!

      • I promise I’ll make one! I missed the last unofficial one for a horrible reason: I thought I made plans to meet up with low match that night and I showed up alone to this event and he showed up with friends (someone he’s seeing?) and he pretty much ignored me the whole night. That was also the last time we made plans.

  • justinbc

    Rave: That photo, gorgeous! I’m not a country person, but I could definitely spend some quality time wherever that is.
    Rant: The Source screwed up our hot pot table reservation for Friday night that was made a month ago.
    Rave: Luckily, nobody else had booked it yet, so they were able to reassign us to the table (only 1 in the restaurant). I guess the “hottest table in town” must have cooled off pretty quickly if it’s already free on Friday nights just 3 days beforehand.

    • It’s right next to Sky Meadows State Park in northwestern Fauquier County – about an hour away, and a beautiful place to spend a couple of hours.

  • Rant: Who’s bright idea was it to require that a bris happens at eight days old? Prepping the house for over a dozen family members is not a restful way to spend the first week post partum!
    Rave: many more family members traveling to DC on short notice for the even than I would have expected. Feeling loved.
    Rave: almost there on the house prep? Maybe I can take a nap today. Just need to get through the week….

    • Does the bris have to take place at your house? That does seem a bit tough on the new parents…

      • It doesn’t have to be, but given the distance to my parents’ house and the synagogue, it seemed easiest at the time. In retrospect, my parents’ house would have likely been a better choice. Hindsight and all… Really didn’t expect so much family to travel on such short notice!

    • I Dont Get It

      Wait there is a ceremony for this? I can’t imagine the casseroles my Methodists would bring for this.

      • Emmaleigh504

        funeral potatoes πŸ™‚

      • Mormons would bring lemon bars and a jello salad. (not Mormon but have a ton of family in Utah. ) Any event where a Mormon shows up, you’ll have one of the two. My aunt’s neighbor makes insanely good lemon bars.

        • I Dont Get It

          Are Methodists secretly Mormons, or vice versa? OMG I love lemon bars.

          • Me too!

            I told my wife your comment and she responded “something with mini hot dogs”. Oy.

          • I Dont Get It

            Oh yes cocktail weenies in chili/grape jelly sauce!

          • Emmaleigh504

            y’all make what my family brings seem weird: “consomme thingies”, deviled eggs, eggs in soy sauce. I guess the “green stuff” aka watergare salad is normal. I’ve been thinking about the consomme thingies for days now, I think I need to make them. And now I want lemon bars.

          • Quotia Zelda

            Daubes glace!

          • Emmaleigh504

            and those awesome olive sandwiches (NOT olive loaf)

          • Emmaleigh504

            And this reminds me of the time mom invited my (very casual) high school b/f to supper with out consulting me. We were supposed to have spaghetti and red gravy that night, but she decided to class it up and busted out the silver and served artichokes on artichoke plates. Dude was born and breed Marrero and was completely overwhelmed. And hated the artichokes. Poor guy.

        • Love this! From my next novel in progress. . .

          “So the first time I actually tasted Cool Whip was when Mrs. Elderal brought a Cool Whip pie to the – not a party – but whatever it is after the funeral that you have. It floated in before her with a bow wave of elation and stabbing fear, a cloud plow of suspect glory, in my memory, on a golden platter born by dancing girls and maybe monkeys.

          The other foods that day were the usual foods- the same for every occasion in our town – births, baptisms, first communions, graduations, funerals – even weddings if you could not afford the Holiday Inn, just the American Legion Hall or the basement of Saint Agnes with aunties and potluck, with cheese logs and molded salads, little hot dogs in crockpots of bubbling sauce that thickened through the hours and crusted on the edges of their pots like fumaroles; slices of ham and cheese fanned out like the Mayan calendar. “

  • Emmaleigh504

    Rant: feel like ass and everyone at work is pissing me off
    Rave: no work tomorrow

  • Rave: two mornings of partner going into work late means two rare & joyful weekday mornings of snuggles.
    Rant: generally been too busy at work for PoPville!

    Question for the PoPulace: What are your favorite gluten-free freezer meals? I’m making food for a colleague whose wife is fighting cancer, and I’m running out of ideas. Trying to avoid buying lots of extra ingredients which I won’t use on my own.

    • Re your question: I believe Evol has some gluten free mac and cheese that is pretty good, but they’re a little pricey. Haven’t tried their non-mac and cheese options as I’m not gluten free. The varieties of pasta just looked good.

    • Soups and stews generally freeze very well, and many recipes are already gluten free or can easily be made so (like making chicken rice soup instead of chicken noodle).

    • emvee

      Bionaturae makes a pretty good gf pasta if you’re looking to do a baked ziti or something. Otherwise, you could do roasted veggie enchiladas with corn tortillas instead of flour, any sort of rice-based casserole, and remember that you can use corn starch instead of flour as a thickener.

    • Does the colleague’s wife actually have Celiac disease? If not, no reason at all to do gluten-free.

      • It’s really not up to AVEnue (or anyone else) to challenge or question someone’s stated dietary preferences.

        • Agreed – But science is a real true factual type thing. If you have genetic Celiac disease, gluten is poison. If you don’t, it doesn’t matter.

  • Happy happy rave: My dad’s test results came back and it’s not cancer.
    Related (and hysterical) rave: My dad calling me and telling me “it’s not a tuma” in his Ahnold voice.
    Rant: The issues are man specific and my Mom insists on filing me in on ALL the details of my dad’s condition. TMI, Ma, TMI.
    Rant: Work still sucks. Just got told off because an admin took food from my presentation to the executive suite and I’m responsible for her work so somehow this is my fault. And, according to my boss, it looks like we ordered too much and spent too much so I made him look bad. I just really can’t with him anymore. Never mind this presentation was about a month’s worth of work and I’ve been here until 7 every night working on it, mainly because every day he had changes to it, including changing slides the night before. Again, I can’t.

    Rave: Halloween parties this weekend.

  • Emmaleigh504

    Rant: omg ppl! I am not an expert on the new system! I sat in the corner and snarked with someone during the training. I know nothing! quit asking me! I’m not even your supervisor!!

  • Rave: I had a great weekend visiting friends and family and seeing gorgeous foliage.
    Rant: I met a guy a few weeks ago, he found out he was leaving, we went out again anyway, then liked it so much we squeezed in another date, now he’s gone. I feel a bit like the universe is laughing at me, “hey, you finally found a good one, let’s f*** it up for you!” I’m not sure if I’ll ever see him again and I’m a bit sad. Not pity party sad, but just disappointed.
    Rave: tonight is quality dog time, Caps/Pens, and painting my nails. I can’t wait.

  • I Dont Get It

    Rant: Not feeling well so staying home today. Oh wait I’m a teleworker…
    Rant/Rave; If you are a teleworker not feeling well but monitoring email and you have no meetings today are you on PTO?
    Rave: Great sale on daffodils at Dutch Bulb dot com. Not like the desiccated ones that you find at Home Depot or Lowes this time of year. A couple of varieties of miniature daffodils that would work great in pots, Blithe.

    • Hmm, I might have to check out this dutchbulb.com site.

    • Re: are you on PTO: Only if you get caught!

    • “If you are a teleworker not feeling well but monitoring email and you have no meetings today are you on PTO?”
      How would this be any different than if you were actually at work – monitoring email with no meetings on an otherwise slow day? Would you be on PTO then, or would your physical presence be enough? I say no. No, you are not on PTO.

  • Going anon in case any of my co-workers are reading…
    Rant: My brother, who is getting married in November, dawdled so long on sending out invitations (by Evite — so it wasn’t even like he had to wait for them to be printed!) that I don’t think any of my family other than my parents and me are going to be at the wedding. Disappointed; it would have been nice to have seen my aunt and cousins.
    Rant: Apparently my brother and his fiancee haven’t been getting along since they moved in together about a year ago. It’s hard for me to be as happy for them as I’d like to be, since it sounds like this marriage is starting out on a rather shaky foundation.
    Rant: I am thinking about taking my cat home with me for the wedding, but it’s probably not fair to her to subject her to a long car journey. She doesn’t get sick or anything, but she mews piteously even during short car rides, or if I take her in her carrier somewhere on foot.

    • Any thoughts on rant #3 and the idea of a 5-hour car trip (each way) with a cat who doesn’t like car trips? Should I not even be considering this? Or might her not having to be by herself for most of a week compensate for the distress of the trip itself?

      • You can get a sedative for the cat from your vet. Just make sure they calculate the dose according to your cat’s actual weight.
        Only you know how distressed she will be about being left alone… some cats are mad for 20 minutes and get over it. Some pee on your stuff and never stop.

        • I don’t think she gets distressed from being alone — just lonely. (No spite-peeing or anything like that.) But she definitely gets distressed by car rides.
          It might be a moot point now — I’ve found someone who can look after my cat while I’m gone.

          • Excellent – cat sitter in home is always ideal. The journey isn’t the hard part, but cats aren’t great with change of home. Does everyone know about rover.com?

  • How late can you plant bulbs and does Dutch Bulb do tulips (I assume yes). I’ve sworn to put in a zillion bulbs on Veterans day (better get ordering) and fill the house all spring next year.

    • That’s for fall flower child IDGI.

      • I will check as soon as I get to an unblocked computer. My goal is to plant enough to have a party like this:

        β€œThe tulip is one of our three favorite flowers in Turkey; the carnation and rose are the others,” says Ali, manager of Tunger Gift Shop in Sultanahmet, Istanbul’s Old Town. β€œOttoman sultans watched dancing girls from the harem amid the tulips, illuminated by candles on turtles, while musicians played hidden behind curtains.”

        Although harems are out of fashion and the yard is a little small, I’m keen on having a herd of illuminating turtles among the tulips, though.

    • I got a bag of 50 bulbs at Costco, and have been planting them as much as I can manage after every good rainfall in my tiny front yard. Others from years past have come up every year, until sewer pipe replacement this year wrecked everything.

      • I feel like you’re me! I had a ton that came up every year and had my sewer pipe replaced earlier this year. They dug up all the old bulbs so I planted 150 new ones last weekend. Hope the squirrels don’t get to them and I did a good job combining them. I just dig holes and put a few randomly in each hole and hope for the best.

  • Rave: I checked my grill last night, and it contains zero guns.

  • Rant: The complete ignoring of the fact that the student in SC was asked by the teacher, the school administrator, and the school cop to both stop using her phone in class and to leave the classroom, refusing every request. How she was removed from the class was excessive, but the fact that this occurred at all is her own doing.

    • I remember being in middle school and high school where white students would use their phones (the crappy flip ones) or be disruptive in other ways. Or stab people they didn’t like with pens in the hallway. Or get into giant fights that put someone in a coma. Only this last student was ever TOUCHED by a law enforcement officer, and it was after the fact, and I can guarantee you they were not dragged out of their seat to be arrested for refusing to leave a classroom. That’s absurd.
      There have to be better ways to deal with students who “misbehave” but aren’t actually hurting anyone but themselves. And yes, I have taught before — and it’s possible to just ignore those students and go on with class successfully, in my experience.

      • Emmaleigh504

        I think the only kid that got arrested at my school was the one that brought the bomb. Even the kid that set the sign on fire just got suspended for a few days.

      • +100. If someone doesn’t know how to deal with teenagers being difficult, then being a “resource officer” in a high school is a bad career choice. Police officers are supposed to understand and practice de-escalating situations. A kid is a classroom being obnoxious is not a life-threatening situation, and there is no excuse for an adult using that much force to subdue her.

    • No. As a law enforcement PROFESSIONAL, he should have been able to remove her from class (forcefully) without throwing her on the floor.

    • There is action between “ignore her misbehavior” and “violently pitch a teenaged girl to the floor.” In fact, there is a whole range of actions. He could have chosen any one of them.
      “All her own doing?” I bet you think that women are responsible for their own sexual assaults when they dress provocatively, too, huh.

      • +1000000000…..

      • ” bet you think that women are responsible for their own sexual assaults when they dress provocatively, too, huh.”
        So do you think students should be able to behave in any manner they desire and not be disciplined?

      • So you are saying that this would have occurred if the student had stopped using her phone or left class after repeatedly being asked? BTW – OP said cop was excessive. And when a student resolutely will not stop disrupting class and refuses to leave, should the teachers just accept this? People are acting like everyone has to find magical ways to make people who repeatedly refuse to follow basic rules and requests – and then wonder why crime is skyrocketing.

        • I sure hope “Teacher” was just a convenient way to fill in the blank, and not your actual profession. Because if our teachers can’t find some middle ground between letting a kid disrupt the class and having the kid hurled bodily from her seat and arrested, we are indeed doomed.

        • Please tell me you are not an actual teacher. Because someone breaks the rule does NOT mean they should be violently attacked or punished.

        • “People are acting like everyone has to find magical ways to make people who repeatedly refuse to follow basic rules and requests ” Again, no. “everyone” doesn’t have to find anything. A trained law enforcement officer has ways to treat people who repeatedly refuse to follow basic rules. They are not “magical”, they are the tools of his trade.

          • Sooo, every forcible arrest is a failure of a cop to apply the “tools of his (or her, BTW) trade”. Brilliant!

          • Check out the video posted this afternoon, and the 100 or so comments over there. You will see that the majority of our fine citizens are just fine with forcible arrest in some situations.
            The logical fallacies are thick on the ground today.

          • What is confusing me is why people feel that a student who fails to comply but is non-threatening CAN BE ARRESTED IN A CLASSROOM (forget the use of force for a second). Is this the status quo nowadays? Back when I was in school, I never ever ever ever remember there ever being a policeman or security guard called into a classroom. (Cafeteria yes, classroom no.) Things do NOT have to be this way.

        • You know, if my child does not listen to me, repeatedly, which often happens, I have a few choices. Sure, I could beat the ever living shit out of them like come people think is ok. I could even just spank them. Or, I can use the other tools at my disposal – namely my maturity, years of experience, my words, etc – to get the outcome I want. Even when this still doesn’t work and I have to punish the child I have choices as to how I do this. Physically forcing a child to the ground in this manner for merely refusing to leave a classroom? No credible threats? Just “not respecting my authority”? Completely unacceptable. If anything, he could have pushed the damn chair out the door. But he chose to do this, and yes, it was excessive. If you think that it wasn’t, I strongly suggest you rethink your supposed profession.

    • Say what?? No that is NOT how this is suppose to work. Excessive force is NOT the answer. Never, ever!!!

  • Quotia Zelda

    Rant: Mr. Zelda assumed I could take Youngest Zelda to an appointment without checking on my calendar, and now he’s in weeks of training and I have to fix the mess. I had to make a phone call!
    Rave: That’s about as bad as my marriage issues get, so I’m feeling pretty fortunate.
    Rant: I just want this work week to be over. Too many meetings.

  • Late rave/info: Informal HH tomorrow at DC Reynolds. Sorry for late notice, but hope to see some of you there (and will post again tomorrow).

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