Random Reader Rant and/or Revel

Photo by PoPville flickr user Joe Flood

You can talk about whatever is on your mind – quality of life issues, a beautiful tree you spotted, scuttlebutt, or any random questions/thoughts you may have. But please no personal attacks and no need to correct people’s grammar. This is a place to vent and/or celebrate things about daily life in DC.

Follow PoPville on facebook here on twitter here, join the PoPville flickr pool here and sign up for daily email summaries here. Email tips and questions to [email protected]

212 Comment

  • Rave: First of 2 (maybe 3) interviews this week went really, really well. To the point that I expect an offer soon.
    Rant: It’s in Tysons, albeit about a mile from the metro. So there’s math to compare the commute, metro costs, time versus the benefits, salary, and opportunity.
    Rave: Let’s see where the other interviews lead.
    Revel: Despite having a broken foot, I feel like kicking butt and taking names this week.

  • Rave: Doc put me in a boot for the broken foot and said I can start bearing weight with the boot on. Gaining this bit of mobility is huge! He also said he doesn’t expect I’ll need surgery. Thanks for all the good thoughts!
    Rave: Now I can properly be excited about my new position. Telling a bunch of colleagues I care about yesterday and today informally before the boss announces.
    Rant: The probability of a Trump or Clinton presidency ticker on NY Times – it gives me anxiety. And I need to do something about it. Talking with family that support Trump? Working with friends to get out the vote?
    Rant: Being really tough on my husband while he’s halfway across the world – I’ve interviewed, negotiated for, and received a new job and broke my foot while he’s gone and while he is so loving and supportive, there’s only so much skype conversations can do to alleviate the stress and pain.
    Rave: We’re in the single digits for how many days until he returns.

    • You should be really proud of yourself for getting through this. Think of all the useful things that you can make your husband do (that you can’t easily do with the broken foot) when he gets back!

      • +1
        But also have something nice waiting for him for trying so hard to support you from afar, while presumably also dealing with a set of challenges.

    • I don’t know if you’re in the same style boot I was in when I broke my foot a couple of years ago (it had a slight inclined heel to it) but if you are, try to find a shoe to wear on your good foot that has approximately the same height heel to it. Being uneven for an extended period of time ends up causing a whole lot of hip pain. I learned that lesson the hard way.

      • Thanks – yes! I have a pair of danskos that work beautifully for that purpose. I’m trying to figure out how to foam roll/stretch even with the bum foot so I don’t end up all cattywampus

  • RANT: Replacing a front door is so darn expensive. I got quotes from both lowes and home depot, its def money I didn’t want to throw at the problem

    RAVE: Dinner this week with my best friend for some solid venting.

    • HaileUnlikely

      I do not recommend Home Depot for door installation. No experience with Lowes but based on ratings would not expect them to be much better. I’d highly recommend getting quotes from other contractors. Consumer Checkbook did an article about door installers a few months ago and reported that quotes for the same door sometimes varied by as much as a multiple of 2 or 3. Two of the best rated ones were also among the least expensive. I don’t necessarily expect them to actually be cheaper than Home Depot, but you can get a better door and more professional installation for about the same price or at least not much more.

      • I will have to do this at some point as well. What are the general estimates for this for the DMV?

        • HaileUnlikely

          If you don’t want a super duper fancy door and you go to a good non-fancy-pants reputable window & door installer, you can get a nice new front door installed professionally for $1500-$2000. If you go with one of the big-name companies that wants to send over a sales rep for a “free in-home consultation” where they demand “both decision-makers must be present” and they show you a powerpoint presentation about the owner’s family and a “product demonstration” where they bring in a model door and stuff, multiply by about three. I highly recommend subscribing to Consumer Checkbook if you ever buy things or hire people. It is very informative and not expensive – I think I paid something like $48 for a four-year subscription.

    • Our new front door was about $2k – we have really aging masonry and an awfully installed door that was replaced. BUT it makes a world of difference in terms of temp and look of my home. Hire a door/window professional. And if you replace the screen, get the kind with a slide down screen. It’s lovely.

    • Recommend Thompson Creek for windows and doors. More expensive than HD or Lowes, but worth it. You can also negotiate the price.

  • skj84

    Rave: LA bound tomorrow! I’m all packed, and checked into my flight.
    Rant: Early morning flight out of BWI. I’ve accepted I will get little to no sleep tonight. Hopefully I can relax enough to get some sleep on the plane(I have Xanex to be on the safe side)

  • Rant: bizarrely broken sleep last night between the two kids.
    Rave: making continued progress on the sleep training front.
    Rave: dealing with an 11pm wake-up instead of 2am meant that we could get some laundry folded and put away rather than trying to doze through it.
    Rave/rant(ish): my baby took a couple of steps at daycare yesterday!!! Holy crap. I’m not ready for him to not be a baby anymore!
    Rave: mtpkiddo wore her poofy fairy skirt & wings (butterfly wings in her mind) for bedtime books last night–was hard to not laugh when I came in from getting mtpbaby to sleep. She then slept in the skirt–too cute! She was initially going to wear them to school, but decided to take them off as we were leaving the house. It’ll be interesting to see if she starts getting into skirts & dresses now. My mom is practically salivating at the possibility….

  • rave: got my flu shot for the season, courtesy of work.
    rant: this one hurt a lot. last year at cvs they had this needle that i didn’t even feel in my arm? very odd.

    • Rant: My work is giving out flu shots the day before I get back from vacation.
      Rave: Being on vacation beats getting a flu shot.

    • Some CVS locations have vaccines with a shorter needle, which hurt less, in my experience. The one time I got the flu shot at work my arm was so sore I could barely move it for a few days. Never again.

    • We usually have an option to get a flu shot at work for a fee, $15 IIRC, but there is no copay if I get it at CVS.
      Yoyotan reminds me that my experience at CVS last year was good. Plus, you get a 20% off your purchase coupon which I don’t think you have to use the same day.

  • Quotia Zelda

    Rave: Wonderful visit with my parents in New Orleans. Just about perfect.
    Rant: Except that I came down with a cold while I was there.
    Rave: Came home with lovelies for Emmaleigh and me.
    Rant: Tons of work now that I’m back in the office.

  • RANT: I have NEVER been able to watch a video of a police shooting or any shooting for that matter. I am certain I would have post-traumatic stress. I’m 1,000% afraid to have children. A son? An African American Boy? In the United States of America? Why on earth would I put myself through that?

    RANDOM RANT: I drive a fairly new black car. Because I live in the city, I never drive it. My little brother is 16. An honor student at the most prestigious all-boys Catholic school in the area. I told him I would give him my car in a year or so but FIRST, I MUST remove the tints. Not illegal tints, but hey I want EVERYONE to be able to see into the car with him driving. The fact that I have to think about that alone speaks volumes. There are ppl who NEVER have to think about the type of car they drive or what will happen when they give birth to a brand new baby boy. I’m sick to my stomach.

    Un related RANT: Yesterday, I was in the TJMaxx in Silver Spring. 3 teens were looking at items and the manager comes up and says to them “Are you going to pay for that?” The teen replies “Why would you ask that? That’s bad customer service!” (I actually couldn’t believe he chose that reply, I was proud of his parents) Then the manager gets mad and the other teens chime in: “Why are you harassing my brother?” By this point, the teens were louder than the manager so of course everyone thought they started the “mess”. I wish I was making this stuff up. No, the manager was not white. This isn’t even about the race of the manager. It’s about perception.

    RANT (kind of related): I actually believe DC is one of the most racist cities against white ppl. I read some of the things that happen to the Popville community in disgust. But not disbelief. I fully believe whenever someone says they were racially profiled by a black person for merely being white. I’m not sure why it’s so difficult the other way around. There are too many incidents to list just from popville. (The green slushsy, the woman being hit with rocks, the “crazy threatening man screaming obscenities” and following young white women, The elderly white man knocked out while getting off the metro, almost ALL metro incidents involving teens smh, The white bikers/runners harassed on the metropolitan branch trail, The blk teens yelling “get off our turf” and harassing the family in the park just a week ago) So many. 🙁 I never touch on race relations, but I honestly can’t deal.

    Lastly, if you’re conflicted and wondering how to respond to my above rants, please read the description of “Random Rant/ or Revel” as described by PoP himself and DON’T.

    • skj84

      I agree with your first rant. Its like looking at the Emmitt Till photo over and over. I know its horrific, I don’t need to see it. I worry about my family who drives, my brothers, my sister, my aunt, even my parents. DWB is real. My grandparents dealt with this shit, why is it still happening in 2016?

    • The Tulsa shooting video is very disturbing, all the more so because it’s mystifying. Even if you were to give the police every benefit of the doubt (which we shouldn’t, but for purposes of discussion . . . ), it’s inexplicable, and horrifying.

    • As a middle aged white woman, I can’t say “I know how you feel”. But I can say that I agree with everything you said. My easy contribution to the solution is to smile at neighborhood kids, because I know too many people scowl at them. I can’t figure out what else I can do, given the time constraints of a full-time job, kids, and extended family. This city is so damned segregated.

      • +1. I try to do the same thing–and also to young moms with kids who must be dealing with a whole host of challenges that I can’t even envision.

        • @wdc and @mtpresident Thank you both for your responses. And to think, I wanted to make the comment about how racist DC is to White ppl for such a long time. Happy I was able to do so today. Its not acceptable either. It makes me so mad.

    • I gave my boys a lesson in white privilege this summer. They were playing basketball in our driveway and the cops were called on them. The cops looked, checked the address to be sure that’s where they were called to, said hello to me and the boys, went and spoke to the neighbor who had called the cops, and left. No scene, no “what are you doing here”. nothing. I called them over and explained that this is what white privilege is. No, you weren’t doing anything wrong, but understand that if you were black, you would have at the very least been questioned about your right to be there. I know this because the same thing happened to my friends growing up, and it took my dad going out and explaining they were allowed to be there playing basketball for the cops to leave. Talking to my co-worker about it, the same thing happened to her brothers recently and they were made to sit on the curb until their mother intervened.
      I think it’s important to open their eyes to what the world is so that they do not grow up blind to what is around them. The fact is, if you are black, and particularly a black boy or man in this society, it’s like you have a target on your back. We have to change society and that change happens at home by discussing these issues and changing the way our children are raised. We have to call out privilege for what it is and use it to help those who are not privileged. We have to make change in this society.

      • Thanks for sharing Anonamom and thanks for educating your children. This is real life. My little brother was walking in our upper middle class suburban neighborhood a couple a years ago. It was during a school day and he was pulled over by an officer. I could only imagine what was going through his mind. The officer asked him why he wasn’t in school. My little brother replied : “I attend private school and we have the day off” Of course the officer didn’t believe him. Luckily, my little brother had an identification card from school. When I heard the story I almost cried. I do understand truancy is a thing, but in 2016 where ppl are dying “just ’cause”, I haven’t been able to even think about what could have happened.

        This is actually the most Ive ever talked (or typed) about race in my 30-something years of life.

    • >>”I fully believe whenever someone says they were racially profiled by a black person for merely being white. I’m not sure why it’s so difficult the other way around. ”

      I never thought about it that way. Thank you for opening my eyes a little bit about that.

      >>”The fact that I have to think about that alone speaks volumes. There are ppl who NEVER have to think about the type of car they drive ”

      I think this is one of the biggest misconceptions about whites raising kids. I was taught that when you walk into a store, you remove sunglasses, hats, and pull down hoods. People (shop keepers and everyone else) want to see your face. It’s a biologically evolved mechanism that we look into people’s eyes to determine if we trust them or not. Concealing that information makes people nervous. I was taught this when I was young. Granted, I never once thought I would be shot for not doing it, but just because it’s the right thing to do and so you make other people (including cops) less nervous and MORE PREDICTABLE.
      So that’s the part I don’t think people hear. Yes, we tell our children the same thing and have been telling them forever not to wear hoodies or to conceal their identities. It’s not okay to hide your identity in a car, in a store, or when you’re walking past someone on the street unless your intent is to make them NOT trust you.
      And If someone could please explain to me the reason for tinted windows in the front seat of a car, I would truly like to know.

      • My SO has tinted windows that even he admits are too dark (he thought they would be lighter when he got it done). He got them tinted because he likes tinted windows, it’s just aesthetically pleasing to him. The side benefit is that his car stays cool, where as mine with no tint is like a hot box. I don’t think someone needs a reason to get their windows tinted, if it’s legal and they like it, why not?

        • Thanks for the “tint talk” Anonamom. Tints look nice on black cars. Or that’s what was cool when I was going up lol so most ppl i know have them. If my car was not black, I probably wouldn’t have tinted my windows. It’s really just about the “look” of the car.

          • The other part is, sometimes cars just come with tinted windows and it is more expensive to have it properly removed than to just leave it. Having tinted windows alone is not an excuse to pull someone over. It happens all the time. My SO’s partner is Dominican and drive s BMW SUV with factory tinted (legal) windows and gets pulled over all the time for it, so much so that when he gets the “do you know why I am pulling you over?” question he says “is it my windows or because I’m brown? Both are legal.”

        • I’ve always been puzzled as to why anyone would want their windows tinted. I hadn’t thought about the temperature-regulating aspect.
          I think someone on PoPville once mentioned “privacy,” which struck me as odd. What would one be doing in a car that would require privacy?

        • And SWChick, I hadn’t thought about the “looks cool”/aesthetic aspect — particularly the complementary-colors part. Thanks for bringing that up!

      • “I think this is one of the biggest misconceptions about whites raising kids. I was taught that when you walk into a store, you remove sunglasses, hats, and pull down hoods.”
        Navyard, are you male or female?

        • This posted prematurely. What I was going to say was that my parents never had this talk with me when I was growing up. I don’t know if they had this talk with my brother.
          I think white parents might have this kind of safety-related talk with their kids — especially their sons — but I suspect it’s by no means as universal among black parents.

      • that is an interesting perspective and gives me a little extra insight into my own white privilege, from my teen years–
        I was never taught that, because I don’t think it occurred to anyone that my wearing sunglasses or a hood etc. was me concealing my identity. (Maybe it was rude to wear sunglasses while you’re talking to someone, or a hat indoors, but nothing nefarious.)

        • Exactly. I was taught that it wasn’t polite to wear a hat indoors, and I think somehow I picked up on the idea that it was silly to wear sunglasses indoors… but it’s very different from the talk that black parents are (unfortunately) stuck giving to their kids, especially their sons, which is basically “People are going to perceive you as a threat. Here are things you can do to try to lessen that perception.”

        • Same here. My grandmother lived with us when I was in high school and college, and although my parents were not strict about wearing a hat in the house, I never, ever wore one around my grandmother. I vividly remember driving home from college, unshowered, unshaven, and generally looking like a derelict, coming inside, stopping at her door, taking off my cap, running my fingers through my hair, and then going in to kiss her hello. (I miss you, Mom-mom.) The same would have been true for a hood. Never gave it a thought when I was in a store, though (and still don’t).

          • I called my grandmother (one of my absolute favorite and most missed people) Mom-mom too! I don’t hear that often.

          • I had a Mom-Mom! She was the best!

          • There are an odd number of people who look with disdain on Mom-Mom as a name for a grandmother. Generally, they either are people who call their grandparents “Grandmother” and “Grandfather,” or are threatened because “there’s only one Mom, and that’s me!” I’m not sure how it started, but that’s what all 8 of her grandkids called her.
            This may be a good, if fluffy, Friday poll question – what do you call your grandparents, and what would you like to be called if you are one day a grandparent? (My parents asked to be called what my sister and I called their parent of the same gender – I expect that I’ll do that too.) And who decided what grandparents are called?

    • HaileUnlikely

      Regarding your rant regarding DC being racist against whites, as a middle-aged white man who has lived here since before gentrification had really taken off, I feel that way once in a while, however, a lot of the time I think that it is mostly my fear and paranoia talking. While I have been robbed at gunpoint twice and have other [white] friends who have also been victims of crime, I also suspect that the same [African American] teen-agers who attacked me are every bit as willing to victimize non-white people, including other African American teens (we know that this is something that happens, a lot). A few years ago a student at my neighborhood high school KO-ed his math teacher, who was an African American man. One of the former ushers at my church, an African American man over the age of 80, was robbed at gunpoint and then pistol-whipped and knocked out a couple years ago. Another elderly African American woman I knew at church, who lived in DC for her whole life (passed away recently in her late 70’s) didn’t go out after dark for the last 30 years of her life because she was afraid of groups of teen-agers who would hang out in her neighborhood. I have a lot of Hispanic and first-generation African immigrant friends, and anecdotally they are victimized way more often my white friends or I am. Last time I was robbed at gunpoint, the same group of kids robbed an Ethiopian woman at the exact same location a half hour before they robbed me – unfortunately the police weren’t on the scene yet when I got there and robbed because she didn’t call the police until a few hours later because she didn’t speak English and thus waited until an English-speaking family member got home. Sometimes in the heat of the moment in a bad situation, I feel like DC is anti-white, but I think it’s really that groups of teen-agers with not enough good stuff going on in their life do bad stuff, not limited to but definitely including picking on people who they identify as unlike them and/or weak.

      • I’ve gotten a little explicitly “anti-white” attitude and violence over the years. It’s a thing. That being said, it’s been pretty rare. And there’s clearly an undercurrent of resentment that plays out politically, but that’s likely also class- and stasis-based (people dislike change, they especially dislike change foisted on them by people with more money than they have), but it doesn’t seem to trickle down into personal animosity that much.

        • I agree, it is class and status driven. When I lived in DC, I was a white woman with three kids who often had a few extra with me. I was never treated with anything but kindness and respect by everyone I came into contact with – with the exception of Hipster/Yuppie types, all white, mostly male. But then again, it’s not uncommon for a woman of my age with the number of children I have who looks younger and who does not have a ring on her finger to be looked at/treated like trash by (white) people who think they are better. This is not a DC thing. Having gotten the looks, nasty comments, etc, I get why people are defensive. And really, at least I’m not just assumed to be dangerous, so I don’t even know the half of it.

        • HaileUnlikely

          I don’t disagree with you that the anti-white attitude exists. And there is definitely a strong correlation between race, class, and as you say stasis-based tensions here moreso than in lots of other cities that have had a substantial white working-class population for a long time. I just can’t help but suspect that if you or I were an Ethiopian guy or a Hispanic guy, we would have still gotten similar “anti-other” treatment from the same people, and also suspect that the people who act overtly anti-white to us aren’t exactly pinnacles of respect and civility to members of their own race either.

          • yeah, but if we were Ethiopian, no one would ever have have punched my father while we were walking down U street because “all white men are f___ots,” nor would a variety of explicitly anti-white epthets been directed my way, along with other, less tangible but pretty clearly race-based slights and insults. To be clear, I have been here almost 40 years and the number of incidents is relatively small.
            I remember once when my son was little and napping a cabbie pulled in front of the house across the street and started pounding on his horn. I went to ask the cabbie to stop making so much noise and he made his distaste for white people pretty clear. A couple weeks later, I ran into him in the drug store and something had made him laugh and — not remembering me — he did that “you gotta see this” thing and beckoned me over to share his laugh (I can;t recall what he sound so funny). So, it’s complicated, too.

        • I agree with all above (that it’s generally a class and status issue). I have never been on the receiving end of anti-white violence. There has been some anti-white attitude here and there (anti-gentrification signs 10 years ago in Columbia Heights, a significant difference in the attitude of the African American woman working at the old DMV toward me than she demonstrated to other patrons, stray comments here and there on the street), but nothing at all that really impacts my life. I generally view “anti-white racism” claims as either ill-advised whining or, more perniciously, a Trump-like effort to justify negative perceptions of and bad behavior towards minorities.

      • skj84

        Yeah, I try to avoid packs of teens and pre-teens. African American woman here, I would never call the cops unless they are straight up harassing, attacking people of course. But I will move cars if a rowdy group of kids get on the metro. On that note I do think “urban” teens are judged more disportotinality for mayhem then suburban ones. I’m not talking robberies or attacking people, but stupid teenage shenanigans. Not saying they shouldn’t be punished, but people are harsher on them. I do truly wonder if these kids can be rehabilitated? I believe everyone deserves a chance to change their ways, and these kids are not getting the chance or opportunities. Of course some people are straight up bad seeds, but for those who can be shown there’s another way.

      • no one has ever done anything bad to me because i’m white (some small things but just punk behavior), but it seems folks love just walking in-front of me and drifting over out of their swimlane in the sidewalk to be a nuisances…I don’t know if its because I am white or it looks like I am walking somewhere with purpose but it is really annoying, first world problems I suppose. Cant complain too much

    • I was just reading about violent extremism (in the context of ISIS and the Taliban). Two things stuck out at me, and made me think of class/race relations in the US:
      1. Exposure to violence, particularly state-perpetrated, is the most consistent predictor of one’s future support for violence.
      2. Perceptions of discrimination, injustice and inequality are strongly linked to support for violent movements.
      This is from academic studies of the phenomenon, not just something that some think-tanker decided seems logical. It’s from interviews and case studies and analysis spanning the last decade.
      The second one worries me particularly this fall, as Trump supporters have stated that they feel discriminated against, vilified, looked-down-upon, etc. Trump could be the element around which these disconnected factions coalesce. And then we are well and truly screwed.

      • I don’t discriminate against Trump supporters (not sure how I would do that anyway), but I suppose I do on occasion vilify them, and I certainly look down on them. Are you suggesting that I shouldn’t do that?

        • I’m suggesting you should try to engage rather than shaking your fist, and you should keep your cool and ask questions, rather than reciting the laundry list of Trump shenanigans (ok, crimes) we all have running in our heads.
          We won’t change any minds by shouting about how superior we and our candidate are. We have to find a common ground. Which seems really damn hard when you’re up against actual white supremacist fascists who can’t even spell fascism much less define it or remember how it turned out last time. But what we’re doing now isn’t working, so what else is there? Our moral high ground won’t do us any good if Trump gets elected.

          • If Trump gets elected? Maybe they’ll create a special section for PoPville Liberals in the Re-Education Camp.

          • I should have been more clear. This is all internal – or maybe on here, and occasionally other internet sites. I don’t actually look down on anyone, much less vilify them, in person – that would be the height of rudeness, and whatever my flaws (and they are legion) I place a very high premium on civility.

    • justinbc

      Very thought provoking piece on Vox today with a black Ivy league professor (not the kind of prop-black Trump used during the RNC): “An Ivy League professor on what the campus conversation on race gets wrong”

  • I Dont Get It

    Question: A couple of years ago, there was a horrific wine bottle accident on top of my smooth glass top slide-in range and it cracked a corner of the glass top. Over time the crack has spread and now there is a small opening over the largest burner, which of course I don’t use. It appears that these glass tops can be replaced but I’m wondering if anyone has had it done successfully?
    Rave: I roasted a Delicata squash last night that I got from the Farmer’s Market. I like it, it’s like Butternut squash without all the work peeling it!
    Rant: “Pumpkin spice.” Make it stop, please.
    Rave: The new video circulating of Angela Lansbury (90 years old!) singing the title song from “Beauty and the Beast” at a celebration of the 25th anniversary of the movie. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to have Mrs. Potts sing that to you every night before she tucks you into the cupboard?

    • Agreed on the pumpkin spice rant. BUT I do have to admit that the pumpkin spice k-cups from Trader Joe’s have saved me at work. They’re super cheap and in my opinion, more chai-ish tasting than pumpkin tasting.

    • I want Mrs. Potts to be my mom, or at least for my mom to sound like Mrs. Potts. I would imagine that at least it would be nicer to hear “we never see you!” coming from a sing-songy voice!

    • Agree with pumpkin spice rant – that stuff is gross, except in pumpkin pies (or on squash).
      REALLY disgusting in beer

    • I had the glass top replaced on a former stove. Super simple and painless (and not very expensive if I recall correctly).

  • Rant: before I got my dog I bought the perfect area rug for my place. It’s beige with a long-ish pile and really lightens up the room. Now that rug and the matching one I bought for my wood floor-phobic dog are dingy and grey from him laying on them. I tried to clean them, but nothing changed. They are not worth taking to a cleaner, so I’m thinking about replacing them with something darker. I love my dog, but I also care very much about the aesthetics of my place, so I feel stuck and kind of annoyed.
    Rave: student loans paid off.
    Weird: Sunday on the Potomac I saw a guy paddling his canoe with his dog. He was wearing a boater and a pink shirt and I thought to myself, ‘wow, if only I were 30 years older this would be the day I meet my future husband.’ Then he got closer and I saw that he was about my age. I thought really hard about yelling over to him, but did not.

    • That is an EXCELLENT Rave! Congratulations! I remember that feeling, it’s fantastic.

    • Congrats on the Rave – that is amazing! I hope to have that feeling someday, but I’m not counting on it… 🙁

    • Whoa, big rave!! Congrats!


    • Congrats on paying off your student loans – excellent rave!

    • Emmaleigh504

      Wow! Congrats on paying off your student loans!

    • Nice one on paying off your student loans!

    • CONGRATS!!! that must be such a good feeling. (I have about 66 months to go…). About the rug – I would just get a darker one. Even if you can clean it it’ll just get dingy again. We had the same problem when we moved into the apartment we live in now – we made the mistake of buying a light rug and it basically turned gray/brown within a month or two because of the dogs. Now we have a deep red rug and I know for sure it’s also dirty and dingy but at least you can’t tell.

      • actually the original rug that we got (before the light rug) was a cow hide rug (not my choice), that we eventually had to get rid of because Freya kept eating parts of it. One day I picked her up from day care and they told me that she had puked something up, and was it possible she’d eaten someone’s hairpiece? they actually saved it for me … sure enough it was another chunk of the rug.

        • Lol, that is hilarious. Gross too, but mostly funny.
          Yeah, I think I’m just going to bite the bullet and get something dark, but also not something too expensive. I also have size challenges as the rug I got is 8×8, but then after I got the dog I had to add an 8×5 next to it, which also makes my place feel smaller.
          Add that all these constraints the fact the returning a rug is expensive, and it becomes apparent why I have reached a point of decision paralysis. I might stick with Target, HD, maybe Home Goods so I don’t have to ship it back.

          • also totally understandable. we eventually settled on the KATTRUP rug from IKEA. it wasn’t that expensive so if we did need to replace it, it wouldn’t be that big of a deal. (That’s also something I’ve learned in the past 2 years of dog ownership – don’t spend a lot of money on something that they might/will probably ruin.)

          • It’s a gamble buying rugs online but rugs-direct.com is great. I bought a new, cheap pet friendly rug there after my dog was sick and had accidents all over my old rug. I admit it’s not the nicest looking rug, but it’s durable, comfy and cheap. Plus as a renter I don’t want to invest tons of money in a rug that may not work in my next apartment.

          • anonymouse_dianne

            I bought rugs from Overstock.com — they have ratings from buyers that are very helpful in deciding on a rug and they only charge $2 for delivery.

    • Don’t just get a new rug – be practical and get something very cleanable – you’ll like it better in the long run after if you can keep it looking clean. Go for synthetic materials (clean up easier – anything wool is going to be harder and more expensive to have cleaned), or better yet, an indoor/outdoor rug (some come in nice patterns and colors) you can hose off. Bamboo slat mats/rugs are really nice underfoot as well.

      • That’s a good point, I used to focus on wool rugs for durability and feel, but not any more.
        DOG is large and frequently prefers to lay directly on the rug, so I don’t want to get anything too thin or hard on his elbow. But, maybe something less plushy will convince him to stick with his bed or cool pad (spoiler: probably not). I have an elbow pad in Amazon cart for him, that’s probably a better move.

    • Congrats on the loans.
      It took me so long to pay mine off, having gone back to school later, that I don’t remember even feeling happy – it was like, I’ve been in tons of educational debt since I was 18, and I’ve been paying on it for 31 years, except during periods when I was in school, the post-school grace period, and the period when I did a prestigious but low-paid job after grad school and had to capitalize the interest on my 6-figure loan debt.
      If I had to do it again, knowing what i know now, I would not have put myself through one of the most expensive colleges there is (or was then), and would not have later gone for a professional degree. Hindsight is 20-20.

    • Wow, thanks everyone. I feel like I should be more excited than I am.
      It wasn’t a ton, thanks to nice benefits at my office, but I do still feel relieved.

    • skj84

      Congrats on paying off your student loans!

    • Are you sure you can’t clean the rug? You might be surprised. If you’re truly ready to toss it, do this first: lay it out on the driveway or lawn. Use an entire bottle of rug cleaner, sprayed evenly. (Your arm will hurt from all the spraying!) Wait 10 minutes, then hose the whole thing down with relatively high pressure. Hang it over a porch railing for a day or two.
      Of course I realize that not everyone has a driveway/ lawn/ porch railing. But maybe at a friend’s place. I’ve cleaned real persian wool-and-silk rugs this way, and they come out just fine.
      You could also see if any local laundromat has a high-capacity machine. I put smaller rugs in the machine at home, too, and again, as long as you’re careful about temperature and blocking it to dry, it works.

      • I don’t have a driveway, lawn, water source, hose or railing 🙁
        I used two cans of a foaming Resolve pet cleaner thing just on the 5×8, agitated like hell with a swiffer wrapped in wool socks, let dry, and vacuumed. I’ve tried some spot cleaning. I don’t want to use a carpet cleaner machine because the rugs are on my hardwood floors.
        What is the largest rug you have fit in a high capacity machine? I would be surprised if I could fit a the 8×8 one in there, it’s not exactly a thin, throw rug.

        • I can get a 6×3 wool rug in my top-loading stacked machine at home. I’ve never used a commercial machine for rugs, just brainstorming. Can you just pop into a laundromat or two and eyeball their high capacity machines?
          I’m willing to go to quite a bit of trouble to avoid replacing things that are still serving their function, but that’s my cheapness talking.

        • Another idea: if it’s not huge you could probably wash it in the bathtub. I do that with my wool coats and don’t see why it wouldn’t work with a rug.

          • I do love the helpful input and I hate to sound like I’m writing all of it off, but I’m also picturing a rug, two feet wider and higher (remember one is 8′ square) than I am tall, in my bathtub. And figuring out where to let it dry, not to mention that I’d also have to get a handheld shower head to make this work.
            Maybe I can strap it to the roof of my car and go through a car wash.

          • There’s an idea, I could take it to a DIY car wash. That’s a flat area with a higher powered hose. But it still needs to dry somewhere.

          • Yeah, I’ve done rugs in the bathtub, but even a 3×5 was a workout.

      • I’ve done this too, with oriental rugs my dogs peed on. The results are so much better than hiring someone to clean them. But boy do they get heavy once they’re wet!

    • Congrats on the student loans! I’m wondering if that day will ever actually come for me.

  • There must be something in the air with jobs!
    Rave: Interviews in the works for two positions much closer to home plus one more very strong, promising lead this morning. I’m still sad about potentially leaving where I work now, but the commute just isn’t worth it.
    Rant: One of my oldest and dearest friends is (and really always has been) quite the negative type. Usually it’s not a big deal, but she has a tendency to give what I consider bad/extreme advice and then get pissy when I don’t follow it, and has never hidden the fact that she does not like my SO. Life isn’t perfect, but I’m honestly happier than I’ve ever been, and I don’t get why she can’t be happy for me. I know that I could probably do with a break from the friendship, but that makes me feels guilty because she doesn’t have many friends (and this is probably why). Ugh.

  • Rant: Struggling with racing, repeating thoughts while trying to work.
    Rave: Get to talk to my therapist about it this evening. I hope she doesn’t tell me to “just lighten up” like I’ve gotten from my family over the years.
    Rave: Lower back pain has lessened a bit. Didn’t have any when I woke up this morning. Could it be due to increased exercise?
    Rant: Loud ass coworkers whom I can hear OVER the music in my earphones. Dude, get a conference room to have your meeting. Do not have it in the hallway where half the floor can hear you.

  • Rave: We’re… almost… half…way… through…the…week.
    Rant: So tired this week.
    Rant: People who are in jobs that are supposed to help people (e.g. social work, etc.), and who act like they literally could not care less. There are a lot of *good* people who need help and they don’t deserve to be treated like they’re stupid. Ugh.
    Rant: I’m actually not feeling too rant-y today but I can’t think of any raves either, so… blargh.

  • Rant: The seemingly perpetual reports of shots fired in Columbia Heights. This is completely anecdotal, of course, and derived almost exclusively from PoP or the MPD twitter feed, but it seems like there is a shooting once a week in CH, and often more frequently than that. Rather than being excited for the people that bought our awesome condo, I actually feel a little bad for them (a nice couple who recently had a baby).

  • I’m determined to lose 5-10 pounds before an event in a couple of weeks, because my little black dress is kind of snug and I really don’t want to buy another one. It isn’t weight that’s been hanging around forever, it’s the result of a few months of indulgence. For some reason I have the idea that it’s “easy come, easy go”. I know, LOL.
    Here’s the plan: walk to work every day, instead of 2-3 days a week, and walk home as often as schedules permit. (It’s just under 3 miles.) Eat one breakfast, not two. (Usually I have one with the kids around 7 and one at my desk around 10.) No more nighttime snacking, except maybe air-popped popcorn. Drink less wine. Pack my work lunch more often.
    Any tips or refinements that will have similarly minimal impact on my day-to-day? I simply don’t have the mental energy or the time to institute a fitness regimen or other drastic changes.

    • tbh, going no or low carb tends to work for me, as does eating ‘clean’ (more veggies than non veggies and no processed foods)

    • cut out unnecessary carbs, or replace simple carbs with more complex ones. for example, drop the white rice for quinoa or half of a sweet potato; nix the pasta and sub extra veggies or protein. avoid sugar and drink tons of water (1 gal/day). it may not be something you want to sustain long term, but it should help kill the extra pounds for your event.

  • Rave: Back to lacto-fermentation – made sauerkraut, next up is kimchi
    Rave: Current batch of kombucha is extra delicious with ginger, lemon and star anise.
    Rant: People who don’t read their email. Why are you asking to meet today when I emailed you yesterday saying I wasn’t available?
    Recommendation for pressure cooker? Looking for 6 qt capacity, or thereabouts

  • Rave: Dinner at All Purpose. Seriously amazing. I could eat that every day. But yeah…
    Rant: work travel most of the week, little gym time, makes me feel awful.
    Rave: have lost 30lbs so there’s that but…
    Rant: that’ll be less than 30 after this week. FML.
    Rave: Love visiting DC.
    Rave: Dinner for private group booked at NOPA. Thanks for the help everyone!

  • Rant: Annual “what to get her for her birthday” panic.

  • Rant: Super overwhelmed with massive amounts of work right now.
    Rave: This too shall pass. I hope.
    Rave? Getting my hair cut later today. Going with a “junior” stylist who is still learning because it’s cheap, and really, I’m just asking for a trim so how hard can it be? There’s not a lot you can do to mess up my hair too bad right now.

    • “I’m just asking for a trim so how hard can it be? There’s not a lot you can do to mess up my hair too bad right now.”
      You need to find some wood, and knock on it immediately. Good god – do you have no appreciation for the fosh (1sp?)? Tempting fate? Why challenge fate with a statement like that?

      • skj84

        +100. In total seriousness I’ve had good luck with Junior Stylists, or apprentices. Generally they have completed cosmetology school, and are just learning that particular salons practices. Just expect to be sitting forever, they move at a slower pace than regular stylists. My current cut is from a JR stylist. It was free but took like 3 hours.

      • IMO… for someone with long-ish hair, a trim shouldn’t be complicated.
        (Though maybe that’s my frugality speaking and I ought to aspire to something more complicated.)

      • What dcd said. That’s famous last words, right there…

      • eh. It’s just hair. It’ll grow back. Trust me, I’ve had every cut – good and bad – under the sun.

        • Sure. It’s just that when you ask a question like “how bad can it be?” the universe seems to go out of its way to show you. Or is that just me?

          • haha! Fair enough, I wasn’t trying to challenge the Fates, so hopefully my words don’t come back to bite me! Ah well, again, it’s just hair and will grow back!

    • I have honestly had great experiences getting my hair trimmed at the Aveda training school in Chinatown. It’s only $18 for a cut with a “senior” student. It does take a little longer than a regular salon (I would budget 2 hours and hope that it’s only 1.) Note: I have long hair and I usually just ask for long layers, so it’s not the most challenging haircut.

      • Yeah, this is pretty much it – I’m just asking for my long hair to be taken up – in the same shape – about 1 1/2 inches. Shouldn’t be too complicated.

    • My mom used to worked at a vocational school and would take us in for free haircuts by the stylists-in-training. They worked slowly but always did a fantastic job.
      For prom I went to a real salon to have someone do my updo. They did such a bad job that it started falling out on my way home, and my mom found me in the bathroom furiously ripping out bobby pins. She rushed me to the vocational school where one of the students was able to style it in a way that was better suited for my hair type.

      • Yes, they go very slowly, but where I have gone there has always been an instructor to check their work.

        • yeah, that’s what this place said – to make sure I had some time to spare because a senior stylist / instructor was going to be checking their work and that they tended to go very slowly.

  • Question: Has anyone ever talked with their GP about Weightloss? I have a Drs appointment tomorrow (new doctor) and I have been unsuccessful trying to lose weight for about 3 months now, despite change in diet and increased exercise. I want to see if there could be a medical reason (last blood tests showed a very well functioning thyroid, so not that) Has anyone received help from their GP before on this that worked?

    Rave: Despite the lack of move on the scale, I feel better and I’m able to run 4-6 miles a day. Sleeping great too.

    • “Despite the lack of move on the scale, I feel better and I’m able to run 4-6 miles a day. Sleeping great too.” I wonder if maybe your body composition is switching to a higher proportion of muscle (which is heavier) and that’s why the number on the scale isn’t moving?
      Feeling better and being able to run 4-6 miles a day sounds great!

    • I have talked to my GP as well as my endocrinologist (my thyroid doesn’t work after I had a goiter removed – I take synthroid). They both suggested a nutritionist. For me, it tends to be that I overeat to compensate for my exercise (I also run about 4 miles 4x/week) Also, Im becoming an old, so my old tactics don’t work as well! Just mapping out what you eat on the daily and then consulting with a nutritionist has been helpful for me.

    • yes. My doctor actually focuses on it. I am actually comfortable with her and she always gives me positive reinforcement and recommendations. Talk to your doc, get a blood test.

    • How old are you? Since moving into my 30s I’ve found that diet and exercise are helpful for maintaining my current weight but there’s nothing I can do to lose. Most people I know that are my age or older are in the same boat.

      • super early 30s (also is this matters i had a significant weight loss +60lbs 5 years ago and gained it all back due to a mild case of depression. According to the NY Times, my body is also fighting me to stay at a higher weight to I need to eat a lot less than most people and exercise a lot more in order to lose.

      • Every body is different, but I know an awful lot of 35+ folks who lose weight. I practice martial arts, but these people aren’t coming everyday, all day (class is usually an hour). All walks of life from cops to photographers. I’d really look into a nutritionist or personal training to get things going.

    • Haven’t done it yet – but I keep reading about how “normal” thyroid test levels are actually set low, and that there are endocrinologists who get that and will treat you even if you test ‘normal’ in the standard range for the hormone they test – these endocrinologists test more of the thyroid hormones. For many, I’ve read, that’s been the only way to actually have a normally functioning thyroid (for them) and lose the weight. One of these days…

    • Though I suspect that if you can run 4-6 miles a day without being exhausted, yours is probably working fine. Isn’t one of the signs of low thyroid fatigue or low energy?

      • Big shrug. My drs are always like You need to lose weight and then they do my blood tests (Cholesterol, glucose, thyroid and take my BP) and I am in great shape. No health problems, not even pre-diabetic. And I am a good 80lbs overweight. I know this can’t sustain, thats why i am trying to be more active and get back to a smaller size.

    • Have you gone to a nutritionist? If not, I’d recommend trying one to see if that could help. Going to an endocrinologist could also be helpful (there’s hormones other than thyroid that could be causing a problem).
      That said, I stumped the nutritionist I went to (who was highly recommended), had multiple tests for thyroid, cortisol, and a few other things I can’t remember which all came back perfectly normal, but was still steadily gaining weight regardless of diet/exercise. After talking to my doctor last winter she put me on some medication (and a plan to diet, exercise more, etc). It’s really worked, I’ve lost 13% of my weight since then and have more energy.
      I wouldn’t recommend it as a first option, but something worth discussing if nothing else works. I was really resistant to taking drugs, but was 10lbs beyond my “scary weight” and couldn’t seem to stop gaining regardless of what I did, so I was getting desperate. The brand-name medications are expensive, so my doctor instead broke it up into the individual active ingredients so it would be covered by insurance (low doses of an antidepressant and an appetite suppressant). For what it’s worth, the only other time in my adult life that I’ve been able to successfully lose weight was when I was also on an antidepressant, so there’s a chance that seratonin plays a role with my body chemistry that affects my weight.

  • Bear

    Rant: After pretty easy first and second trimesters, the third is kicking my ass. I have had lots of little symptoms throughout but most were just annoyances. Now I’m getting bad hip pain, which makes it hard to sleep, and when that piles on top of the hormonal overload I’m now experiencing things just aren’t pretty. Blah.
    Rave: My husband got to feel some good baby kicks last night – usually he quiets down whenever my husband tries to feel him. And I am much more even keeled today than yesterday. One day at a time…
    Rave: My tomato plants are rebounding from the ten plagues and I’m getting a bunch of these little striped black tomatoes that are delicious. I forget what variety they are but I need to figure it out so I can replant them next year. Also, the green beans are finally coming in.

    • Black cherry tomatoes are delicious – one type is Black Prince (I’ve seen others called Black Cherry, probably the same tomato) They’re an heirloom and will grow true from seed next year.

      • Bear

        I got the seeds off this random site that specializes in rare/hard to find seeds in the US. They’re bigger than a normal cherry tomato but still on the small side. Of course the page is down now so I can’t look it up. Another black cherry tomato that is amazing is Osu Black. They’re not terribly disease/pest resistant – slow growing and always the first to develop problems – but if you can get them to produce it’s so worth it.

      • Anyone know why my tomato plants produced no tomatoes this year? I just pulled them all up and planted cover crop– maybe next year will be better.

        • Did you have one of those mosquito services come and spray? If so, you might have killed all your pollinators. No bees, no food.

    • For the hip pain, try sleeping with a pillow between your knees. Also, I know we’re not supposed to take baths when we are that pregnant, but as with a lot of medical advice, I ignored this. The weightlessness and heat really helped my hips when I was having issues. You never realize how important connective tissues are until your pelvis starts to spread!

      • Bear

        I always sleep with a pillow between my knees, it helps prevent low back pain but not hip pain, at least in my experience so far. And good lord I wish I had a tub deep enough for a proper bath! I have taken exactly one bath in our house since we bought it 2 years ago and it was terrible – way too shallow, so it’s more uncomfortable than anything else. This is one of the disagreements my husband and I are having on our renovations…I really want a second bathroom with a decent sized tub (which is totally doable within our existing space). Also, our existing bathroom is so small – it’s already really cramped with three of us sharing.

        • Ugh, sorry!!! Stretching might help too, but unfortunately it just may be one of those things that your can do nothing about until the baby is born.
          Also, you have my full support on the bathroom issue!!!

        • Yes, a tub deep enough for a bath is a must for me. I hate the few times I’ve had a “modern” tub, all of a foot high, pretty useless for baths for adults (though much easier to bathe toddlers in, as the sides are low.) One reason I love living in old buildings – I love the old, deep and long tubs. I’ve got one now – though I take fewer baths, as I used to take them to warm up when I got home in the winter to my freezing apartments, after walking from public transportation and freezing my legs Since moving to DC, I drive most places as it is so much easier to drive here, so I rarely arrive home freezing, and I now live in an old, overheated building, so no need to use baths to warm up. But still essential for when I have muscle aches, or just need to soak away some angst.
          I would put in an old tub from 70-100 years ago if I ever renovated a place – they are the best – but NOT a clawfoot – they are a pain to climb in and out of, and to shower in if that is your shower too. Love the ones set into the wall on three sides, or the ones set in on two sides with the nice curve on the exposed edge.

          • Claw foot tubs (at least the old cast iron kind) lose heat SO quickly! I always wanted one, and my SO had one in his old house. The first time I took a bath I wanted to soak in the luxurious deep water, but after 5 or 10 minutes it was cold.

    • massage at spa on the hill. They have the special pads that allow you to lie on your belly. It’s amazing and helps relieve so much pressure. Worth it.

    • Do you have a snoogle pillow? It’s ridiculous, looks like a giant boppy, but not only does it go between your legs, it supports your belly, back, and your head so it’s like you’re entire body is on the same plane (Wrapping yourself in a big C shape). It helps me fall asleep but eventually I tend to ditch it after about 6 hours or so and go with the pillow between the thighs trick for the last couple of hours of sleep because it’s so cumbersome to get in and out of after going to the bathroom, but yikes even a couple of hours with the pillow between my thighs starts hurting. I end up sleeping a bit on my stomach (like half turned), but Baby F gets all up in arms and kicks away–I know I’m not hurting the baby and it’s more of–hey! I’m running out of space in here!! But I feel bad and never stay in that position too long–it feels great on my hips though.

  • Rant: Dealing with the morgue first thing in the morning. Everyone there is super nice but still, it’s the morgue.
    Rave: Was actually productive last night! Went for a run, wrote some thank-yous, bought some wedding stuff…much better than the usual laying around on the couch. Plus, wedding in 53 days!
    Rant: Also need to lose weight! Can we start a PoP accountability group?
    Rant: This job. Please, oh please, oh please get me out of here.

    • a lot of us in the weight management mindset this morning! having a friend to make one accountable is really helpful. Ive started interspersing my runs with weekly solidcore classes and have noticed that I look a lot leaner…. it helps!

    • I’ll join the accountability club!

  • Rant: I woke up so excited that it was Thursday… only to discover it was actually Tuesday. How did Monday seem to feel like 3 days in one?
    Rant: Worst blood draw ever this morning. I wish phlebotomists would just acknowledge that they hit the wrong spot and start over again rather than fish around for a vein.
    Rave: The Other Mrs. Rabbit is also taking Friday off this week so after a medical appointment we’ll be taking off for a destination yet to be determined. I hope it involves a beach.
    Rave: Even though we have another 6 weeks or so of renovations to live through, it feels like we’re getting somewhere with this house. I can’t wait for it all to be finished.

  • Rant: I had a meeting with Baby Artie’s daycare teacher who is concerned that he’s not meeting some developmental milestones (grabbing at toys, holding bottle, pushing up more during tummy time). I think he’s still within the age of “normal” for his age but just a bit behind. I’m going to talk to my pediatrician during his upcoming wellness visit and see if she thinks we should do early intervention. It is just really hard not to freak out and worry.
    Rave: Daycare teachers who are on top of these things and bring it up with parents.

    • Try not to fret too much. I have known many a child who were behind on the normal curve, including a friend who’s daughter didn’t walk unsupported until almost 18mo, and Littlest Anonachild who was speech delayed; both are perfectly fine. But I know it’s easier said than done.

      • Ditto this. Mtpbaby has lagged in one area or another on his “ages & stages” questionnaire for several of his well-baby checkups, only to pick up whatever that area was a month later. And if you’re not using bottles at home, he will likely take longer to hold his bottles at daycare. That’s one of those requests (please work on holding bottles at home) that I largely ignored–though once he started solids & I gave him a sippy cup with water, we were able to reinforce it that way. It doesn’t hurt to give more tummy time and more interactive play time with toys, etc, but I definitely wouldn’t worry.

      • Thanks for all the support. I am just going to try to table all my worry and anxiety until we have his six month checkup next week.

    • My son had a few gross motor and verbal delays, and our pediatrician referred us to early intervention a little before his first birthday. He received services, but it quickly became apparent that he was just on his own timeline. He’s now 2 and ahead of the curve in most areas! So my advice would be to do the ages & stages questionnaire, follow-up with EI if he qualifies (there’s no harm in providing service!), and try not to stress.

      • I have a feeling that this is my son as well. He’s moving along and acquiring skills, just at a slower pace than some of his peers. I will definitely follow up with EI if his pediatrician recommends it.

  • houseintherear

    Rave: Chelsea Handler, Jen Aniston, and so many others making it easier for people like me who don’t want kids. I remember the terror and dread of thinking about having children since I was a young girl… what a relief that it’s more “mainstream” now. Additional Rave: My parents, who never ever give me grief about such decisions.

    Rant: Old dog is getting older. I simply can’t imagine life without him around. Oy.

    • 2nd-ing your rave! I very much enjoy being an auntie, I love my little nephews with my whole heart, but I know kids are not for me. And I am so grateful that my parents and relatives have never given me grief for it – I think deep down they know that parenthood isn’t necessarily my thing!

    • How are they making it easier? By simply not having kids or are they speaking publicly about it?

      • houseintherear

        They are both outspoken (though Chelsea more than Jen) about the decision to be child-less. On her Netflix show, Chelsea takes it to an extreme that I personally find wonderful, but others might find a bit offensive.

    • yes on the rave. it is so odd that society in this day and age thinks having a uterus = automatic baby machine

      I love my nieces and nephews, but i have done a lot of soul searching and have realized I would be a terrible mother. I don’t have the patience for it. I am told “oh your mind will change….” or “nah, every woman should have at least one baby…”

      it is absurd. anyway….sorry. that turned into a rant. LOL

      • ” I am told “oh your mind will change….””
        YES — this. “Your mind will change when the right man comes along.”
        And I’m always like NO IT WON’T.

        • Be a little patient with those people. They’re just sharing an experience, which is an attempt at human connection.
          From my earliest memory, I never wanted to be a mother. I was convinced I’d never procreate. Didn’t see the point of babies, didn’t want anyone interfering with my fun life, didn’t think I could handle the responsibility, didn’t think I had the patience, didn’t want the bodily weirdness, all that. And I changed my mind, really suddenly. At 30, I went from NOPE to WANT. I can’t describe it any better than that. And I have multiple friends who did the overnight nope-want transition between 30 and 40 and a few even later; they (we) had to eat a lot of strong anti-kid words they’d uttered over the years.
          I’m not saying you should believe the people who tell you you’ll change your mind. That’s not their place to say. But give them the benefit of the doubt for trying to connect in some way; it’s a very, very common experience.

          • Yeah. I was always on the fence, and even when we started actively trying to conceive I was kinda meh. But then when my daughter was born – wow. Wouldn’t trade it for the world. And, truth be told, I’m not a great father. I’m OK, probably better than average, but not great. I actually don’t have the patience for it, and I have to constantly, actively remind myself to do (or don’t do) a half dozen things that come naturally to others. But, I do try (hard), and most of the time succeed. OK, lots of the time.

          • Emmaleigh504

            The problem is how condescending the “you’ll change your mind” people are. If you experience is different, and you really did change your mind, no need to push that off on to someone else. Tell your story without saying, you will too. It’s really annoying to have your decision dismissed on the grounds that you don’t really know your mind.

        • LOL not all women are waiting for a man…..lol some are waiting for a woman…..

          i also have a dog. he is all i need. i can barely handle him on most days! geez!

          • Or no one at all!! Nothing wrong with being a single mother by choice (although I’ve sure Steve/SteveTheParent will be telling chime in to slut-shame me and blame me for all of societal woes soon…)

          • I already have a woman (and a couple of dogs and a niece who I love to death). I’m in my mid 30s and don’t feel any desire to have kids, nor does my wife. I actually think we’d be great parents, and our life is such that a child wouldn’t be a devastating financial or lifestyle burden, but motherhood is simply not something either of us has ever wanted.

      • I make it a point to never ask or assume that a person wants kids. First of all, it is none of my business. Second, even as someone who has a child, I can see all of the many good reasons to not have children. (Not that you even need a good reason, you can simply just not want to do it.)

        I think it is great that we have more models of the various ways to structure our lives. But we still have a very traditional, heteronormative expectations of how an adult’s life should be shaped. I’m trying to shake that even in the kind of language I use.

        • Instead of assuming a woman wants and/or is going to have kids, people should assume the opposite and ask them why they want kids if that’s their ambition. Because you’re right: someone doesn’t need a good reason to not want kids, but they’d better have a good reason if they’re going to take on that responsibility!

        • I never ask (anymore). Not because it’s rude to assume (though that’s true, I guess, although not sure why “I don’t plan to have kids” is so hard. If someone argues with you, they suck, and you can/should quickly shut them down), but because there’s at least a chance that they desperately WANT kids, haven’t had any luck, and are in the midst of an ART nightmare. When we were going through it, I learned quickly that even well-meaning people with a bull-in-the-china-shop attitude could cause significant anguish, and bitterly regretted my own thoughtless questions in the past. Never again.

          • This is a very good point that I hadn’t thought of.

          • DCD, that’s the main reason why I don’t ask. I have known too many people in the midst of fertility struggles that weren’t public knowledge (or having tension in their relationship because one person wanted kids and the other didn’t).

          • Yeah, like the well-meaning “It’s so much fun to TRY!”
            (PSA: never say this.)

          • WDC, yes! Trying took all the joy out of our sex life. I was so glad when we got pregnant so we could just enjoy sex for sex’s sake!

          • And that’s if you don’t need ART! For those that do, I can’t even imagine how hard it would be to hear that.

        • You also shouldn’t assume that a woman who doesn’t have kids doesn’t (or didn’t, if older) want them – whether gay, straight, or bi. Some of us wanted them, to the point of being willing to do it on our own, and hope love and a partner maybe would (or not) show up in our lives later, but weren’t able to put together all the supports (enough money, an only 8-hr-a-day job with some needed flexibility, support from family or friends) to make it possible.
          As a currently single lesbian without kids, whom many just assume I’m straight when they meet me and start asking what they think are obligatory questions (usually women) about whether I’m married or have children, it isn’t as easy as saying “I never wanted children.” These women look at you as if you are some sort of loser, often because the status of wife and mother is the major, or only, thing in their lives, and can’t imagine that there are other things in life to achieve. I haven’t gotten everything I wanted in this life, but then again, I didn’t put up with the relationships I see many, many people in that I would never, ever be in and consider to be emotionally abusive.

    • Stacy London (from What Not To Wear) recently wrote an essay on this recently on Refinery29 that you might like, where she touched upon being a middle aged woman who has no kids and no spouse, and how dressing your age is BS. I thought it was a really great read.

    • I used to want four kids, hahaha. No way, now I want one. That also brings up annoying conversation. “Oh you’ll change your mind after having one!” “No, you don’t want an only child.” Blah blah. I have to say we are thinking about trying in 2017 and the thought is still scary.

Comments are closed.