3 Year Old Koala Bear Available in Columbia Heights? or a Brilliant Fundraising Campaign? A Scam? Either Way an Awesome Read though likely to offend some


Well done sir. Update – Damn you if this is a not a legit fundraiser.

Thanks to a reader for sending from Craigslist:

“I have a three year old Koala Bear named GumNut that I’m desperately trying to find a new home for. I bought him back in January figuring it would be an awesome pet that would enjoy living in my greenhouse, sadly I was wrong. I paid $3200 for him back in January and I’m not sure what the used Koala Bear market is like in a good economy or the one we have now; so I’m open to offers. Please use some common sense before contacting me, don’t be an idiot, I’m not interested in trading my Koala Bear for your busted up 1980’s Camaro, an XBOX, or an offer to paint my garage door.

GumNut’s Stats:

The Good

*He is somewhat housebroken, uses a cat box most of the time.
*For the most part he is very quiet; this also falls into the bad category which we will touch on in a moment.
*He eats spiders, (not kidding) we haven’t had a spider in our house since we got him.
*Hates watching Desperate Housewives, used to be my wife’s favorite show until GumNut bit her for changing the channel from Jeopardy, to Desperate Housewives.
*Gets along well with one of my two dogs.
*Loves to go for car rides.
*Likes glitter and if he plays in it long enough it sticks to his fur and he looks like a shiny little robot.
*Every time I take him to the drive through at Burger King he gets a free order of small fries and I get free milkshake.

Now for the Bad:

*He eats a lot of eucalyptus, which is not as cheap as I expected.
*Apparently eucalyptus is like a drug for Koala Bears, when GumNut is coming down from his high he becomes very violent and aggressive.
*He raped and killed my wife’s cat “Captain Socks'” (Honestly, I wanted to put this in the good section because I’ve been trying to find a way to get that worthless cat out of our house for two years, thanks GumNut.)
*He does not like Asians, I have no idea where this Koala was raised but someone of Asian Descent must have really mistreated him.
*Loves Vin Diesel movies, not sure why, he just does.
*Has extremely sharp claws and teeth which he uses often.
*Loves shiny objects, steals and hides them frequently in my dog’s ass.
*He is quiet, and as a result has snuck in on my wife and I during intimate moments. I mind him watching; maybe it won’t bother you as much.
* GumNut smells terrible and is not easy to wash; I had to leave a propane tank with the valve open in his greenhouse for two hours before he blacked out and I was able to get him in this bucket for this bath.
*Once he is in the water he is fine, getting him into the water is a challenge, he will scratch you, he will bite you, and you will bleed.

Please message me with questions, and no you don’t need a license to own him.


P.S. A big Merry Christmas to everybody reading this! Please reach out to my charity and give a generous donation this Christmas season! We are providing Christmas to the children of Madagascar 🙂 gofundme.com /Xmas4Madagascar”

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