“Seeking Renaissance Bro to Assimilate into Existing Bro Community (Mt. Vernon Square, DC)”

Wow. A reader sends this gem from Craigslist:

My roommate and I are 29 years old, have known each other since freshman year of college, and can basically describe each others’ taints with our eyes closed. Despite our age and our ability to harness wherewithal to accomplish adult-like goals, we are still very immature. We have lived in the same 3-bedroom row house in Mt. Vernon Square for the past 7 years. Throughout these 7 years we’ve been the constant, while the third room has experienced a myriad of spectacular bros over the ages. We have always managed to keep the changing of roommates within our bro family (which we will delve into later), but alas we have reached a crossroad in our adult lives where we must brave the outside world to find the chosen one. I’m not going to lie, all you strangers out there terrify me. Our previous third roommate, who is as gentle as a newborn porcupine yet as powerful as an adolescent bonobo, ended up finding his soulmate, getting engaged, and moving on with his life. Since the end of August, my current roommate and I have been paying for that third empty room out of pocket as we lobbied with our bro high council to fill the position. Our pleas fell on the deaf ears of married bros, new fathers, and committed heterosexuals. As Brooks said in Shawshank, “The world went and got itself in a big damn hurry.” So I come to you, world, to fill the void in my life. . .and to help me get back my damn disposable income that has been going into that third room. . .

As the title implies, we are not just looking for any “bro”, but a renaissance bro that will seamlessly fit into our crew like bacon and chocolate chips into waffle batter. In fact, let us define the term bro. We’re not the “bro” you see on MTV, or any “bro” you see wearing Ed Hardy/Affliction T-shirts. We’re not bros with Nantucket red shorts, boat shoes, and croakies. We’re not the Magic The Gathering/D&D Bros. We are just sensible guys that enjoy immature forays on weekends and intellectual box socials on weekdays. We enjoy the outdoors and traveling. We read a lot of books and discuss the best way to layer the contents of a BLT. We’re not all fart jokes and dildo-hats though. We both have legit 9-5 jobs, graduate degrees, and high levels of general awareness. We have a strong group of bros (approx 30-45 across the eastern seaboard) that come in and out on a regular basis throughout the week/weekends for Monday/Thursday night football, movie night, or bro dinners at sick steakhouses. I know this is a lot, and there is no way I can cover all areas of our bro community, but I hope this weeds out some of the unsavory “bros” out there.

The third caveat about living in this room is. . . you must be a musician or at least love music. The room comes furnished with a full size bed, a large desk, 2 closets, and a bunch of musical instruments. This room has, for 6 of the past 7 years, doubled as our jamatorium. We have a drum-kit, electric piano, half-stack, 2 more amps, 4 guitars, and congas in that room. Unfortunately there is nowhere else in the house to store these items, so they come with the room. Hence, you have to like having musical instruments around your living quarters if you live here. If you are not currently a musician, but want to learn piano/drums/guitar, well we can accommodate that. We don’t jam out every night or even every weekend, we never play music after 10 pm on weekdays, and we will never barge in there while you’re having personal time. However, these instruments ain’t going nowheres. The bed/desk are optional and you can throw them out if you so wish.

Now down to the brass tacks. The room is $800 a month. This includes internet, ADT alarm system, and water. The only utilities we split 3-ways are gas, electric, and DirecTV (with the NFL package and all movie channels). This is a remarkably good price for our location and amenities. Did I mention we have a 60 inch LED TV? It’s awesome. We have all relatively new kitchen appliances in our 2-level row-home. We have a big yard where we maintain a garden every spring/summer. We are walking distance (4 min) from the Mt. Vernon/Convention Center metro and about 9 minutes from the Gallery Pl. Chinatown metro. We got that sick Safeway under city vista as our local grocery store and a brand new Cross Fit on New York Avenue. Just kidding about Cross Fit. . . if you are into that don’t email me. JK, but no, seriously.

I hope this ad did not come off douchey, we’re very reasonable guys. We are liberal about social issues and semi-conservative about the economy. One thing is for sure, we love capitalism. . .so no occupiers or hippies. We never talk about politics or religion anyway. If you’re interested, please reply back, come check out the house. . .hang out on a weekend night and see if you can mesh with our pride of bro lions. If you like it, we’d ideally like you to move in anytime between November 15th and December 15th. No security deposit necessary, the lease is month-to-month (but we ask you give us a 3 month heads up if you’re moving out), and all we ask is for proof of gainful employment. Ideally you will have a 9-5-ish job as well. . .we don’t want bartenders/restaurant guys coming in late at night on weekdays and spraying their hot jazz all over our snuggly dreams. Also, no women. . . sorry ladies. . . I like to bed you, but not live with you. I’ll live with a woman when I take the plunge into holy matrimony.

98 Comment

  • Oh the comments to this mess should be interesting…..

  • I’m afraid I can’t apply. I’ve been told that my taint is simply indescribable.

  • Wait, no ladies? Rubbish! Which of my sisters would NOT want to jump at this opportunity?!

    That being said, I found it very amusing, although decreasingly so as it went on and on. And on.

  • This is why DCers are considered to be such dorks.

    • Exactly. The simple fact that someone took the time to compose this litany speaks volumes. That said, I hope they find the perfect dork to share their apartment with.

      • Yeah, but it’s probably a good way to weed out people who aren’t going to be compatible. I think this gives a good impression of who they are, what the living conditions are, and who they want.

    • I went back and read the whole thing.

      Aside from everything else, it sucks that whoever moves into this room is stuck having it function as the band’s practice room. What do you want to bet that the $800/month rent for the room does not include any kind of discount to compensate for this?

      It also sounds like there will be an awful lot of evening visitors, and perhaps even houseguests: “We have a strong group of bros (approx 30-45 across the eastern seaboard) that come in and out on a regular basis throughout the week/weekends for Monday/Thursday night football, movie night, or bro dinners at sick steakhouses.” So the new person will have to subsidize the extra utilities that the friends of the original bro pair are consuming. Grrreat.

      Well, at least this pair of guys can’t be accused of trying to hide their bro-ness.

      • Come on, are you really that cheap? $800 for that location is a steal. You won’t get cheaper rent in the city for such a centralized, non-sketch location. And honestly, how much extra utilities would a guest consume? You need to heat the place and run the lights, regardless if Brosephus from Philly comes to visit.

        This is a well educated bro. The grammar, spelling, and punctuation were spot on. The fantasy football advice alone would be worth it to me.

        • Good point– Brosephus probably doesn’t shower much!

        • Except for using “myriad” incorrectly. Huge pet peeve of mine. I think it’s hilarious otherwise.

          • Peeves make horrible pets. They only serve to make you unhappy.

          • I thought you were right, but Merriam-Webster disagrees: “Recent criticism of the use of myriad as a noun, both in the plural form myriads and in the phrase a myriad of, seems to reflect a mistaken belief that the word was originally and is still properly only an adjective … the noun is in fact the older form, dating to the 16th century. The noun myriad has appeared in the works of such writers as Milton (plural myriads) and Thoreau (a myriad of), and it continues to occur frequently in reputable English. There is no reason to avoid it.”

            Who knew?

            But I’m with you in spirit. I occasionally try to get people to pronounce kudos correctly and to recognize it as uncountable.

        • Actually, bro needs to brush up on his use of commas and semicolons. After the word douchey, bro should have used a semicolon. There were also a few more punctuation errors like this, but still a funny post.

      • I think the room is only $800 a month because of the instruments.

      • Zero_sum, the ad-writing bro says that they’ve been in the house for 7 years. If it were a rowhouse being rented out for the first time, $800 might strike me as cheap, but somehow I don’t think these bros are paying market rate.

        I appreciate the good grammar, punctuation, etc…. but a bro is still a bro. And I suppose that colors my response.

        • I moved to DC 7 years ago and would have thought $800 for a room in this location was cheap. I was paying more to share a 2-bedroom in Alexandria.

          • Wasn’t this neighborhood still somewhat sketchy 7 years ago?

            Anyway, my perspective on the pricing is perhaps off, as I haven’t been a renter in many years and have never lived in a group house with strangers. Plus I don’t think you could pay me $800 a month to live in an instrument-filled practice room in a house full of bros.

          • Yeah, maybe you’re right about it being a little sketchy back then.

            Regardless, people normally charge market rate for rent, even if they got the place when it was cheap. So that’s irrelevant. Also, you don’t know that their landlord hasn’t incrementally been raising the rent every year.

      • The $800 without any discount was my first thought. Most Capitol Hill leases that I’ve come across that started in ~2007 were about $800 per room. Mt Vernon wasn’t a safe neighborhood until more recently (probably until a little after City Vista opened up)

  • It’s too bad you’re looking for Bro’s and not Dudes. I think we could have shared some jams, probably some bowling… and I got a rug that would have really tied the room together.

    Still that Safeway on 5th is sick… dude. I mean bro.

  • These guys seem awesome. I kind of want to write back just to see if they’re down to hang out.

  • If this is not a joke, this is a great revenge craiglist posting: as in, my 2 former housemates are douchebags, I’m going to post a fake ad on Craigslist and watch the hijinks ensue.

    And, what are “intellectual box socials “?

  • Vacuous glorification of the doofy. These are the pseudo-adult, perpetually adolescent, “Normys” that have successfully dulled DC’s hard edge into a soup spoon.

    It’s ironic that these people play music.

    • Wait wait… You think these dudes are “normy”? Lol. Man, you’d find me boring as a mofo in that case, along with many of us normy’s who live in Mt Vernon Square. If they did “a little blow” on saturday nights would that give them more of an edge?

    • To be fair, I’m sure they are jamming some really sweet tunes, like covers of DMB and O.A.R.!

      I found this post wildly hilarious. Who in their right mind would want to live in two dudes’ studio space? $800? I wouldn’t do it for free, dear God, this is an unreasonable request. It’s funny to think of these two “Bros” as pseudo-intellectuals that have worked it out in their booze-addled brains, that this arrangment is totally fine! This wouldn’t be okay, in College, in a Frat House, let alone someone with a 9-5 Professional job.

      Now if they titled the ad; Wanted: Rent Bitch!

      I could respect that….

  • This has to be a joke.
    What are “intellectual box socials”? I tried googling it and nothing came up.

  • what a raw, unadulterated mess. Godspeed to whoever moves in there.

  • Sounds like they are a big group of bro’s on the low and have some requirements for the third who will be getting to know their taints.

  • I have to admit that I like the post. It’s over the top, but silly and kind of fun. It’s also refreshingly un-DC cause it’s not all about clean cut, type-A, class Presidents working on the Hill. Let’s add a little interest to DC’s social mix beyond upwardly mobile and shooty-stabby. Nutty as these guys may be, they may have life in a better perspective than most. Kudos to the bros for being unique without being malicious!

  • “sorry ladies. . . I like to bed you, but not live with you.” Way to go, Doctor Charm!

  • Come at me bro!

  • Was this originally from The Onion?

  • this is an awesome listing!!!!! not in the “i wish i knew these guys
    kind of way. more in the “damn i love crazy people” kind of way.

    i’m also very glad they are not my neighbors.

    but seriously, great listing.

  • This has got to be a joke…right? I mean, do bros actually self-identify? I always thought it was just a label used by non-bros.

  • burritosinstereo

    It’s funny and self aware. I laughed.

    Also, let me come over and play on your electric piano. IF YOU CATCH MY DRIFT.

  • I thought it was briliant, and wish they were my friends. It would be like living in an episode of “The League.”

  • I kwwp picturing the guys from Workaholics when I read this.

  • sometimes people post ridiculous ISO posts like this so they don’t get shitty spam responses

  • Wait, people want be friends with these guys? This makes me want to bash my head against a wall.

    • You’re not alone in that regard.

      • I know right!!?? Everyone that isn’t just like me should be miserable and alone.

        after those comments, I’d be more surprised if people want to be friends with the 2 of you!

        • Yep, you know us both so well. At least we’re judging a dude on 5 written paragraphs while you’re judging us on a couple sentences. Well done! Long live hypocriscy!

        • I will concede that upon rereading I find them slightly less intolerable, mostly because of the line about cross fit.

          More disturbing is the fact that I’ve learned from these comments that there are actual humans on Earth who enjoy the show The League. WHO ARE YOU.

  • I once had to spend 10 consecutive workdays in a small room with a guy just like this. “Gentle as a newborn porcupine yet as powerful as an adolescent bonobo…” I can hear those words in his voice. Scary!

    My bf calls these “liberal about social issues and semi-conservative about the economy” dudes Meridian Pint Republicans, but it sounds like these guys are more Recessions Republicans.

    Anyway, I hope they find a housemate who is exactly like them… one fewer likeminded person out in the wilds of Craigslist with the rest of us.

  • I’d be nervous sharing a room with all those instruments that aren’t mine. What happens if I accidentally step on and break a guitar while trying to maneuver around them?

  • i would take these guys over hipsters any day of the week. sounds like a fun group, and i agree, it reminds me of The League, the best show on TV! too bad i’m a lady. :(

    • They are getting to a stage in life where they can’t be too picky about this rule. Though, I imagine there is probably some sort of bathroom sharing situation and perhaps they are not comfortable sharing one with a woman (understandable, IMO).

      That said, your selling point is that you might have attractive, single female friends to hook them up with. That was, by far, the best thing about having female roommates in my grad school group house.

  • That’s a clown craigslist ad, bro.

  • I feel sorry for the girls that will someday date these so-called bros.

    • lol don’t feel sad. Dating is a choice! I am sure there are girls out there with a bro shaped hole in their heart.

      It’s good that different people have different taste, otherwise we would ALL want to date Barak Obama (or am I just expounding my own desires?).

      These guys seem annoying but alright, as someone said, at least they self-identify!

    • Why? I thought it was hysterical.

  • Best.POP.Post.Ever! I laughed out loud.

  • $800 is pretty good for a bedroom in that location.

    However, is $800 really good for a room to be shared as a part-time music studio with two other bros?

    I guess I just like my privacy though.

  • Wouldn’t it make more sense for one of the bros to move into the music studio room and rent out one of the “private” rooms?

  • Do they have a bro code?

  • The editors of Harper’s Magazine should trawl these comments for the Readings section.

  • pablo .raw

    Do they have a bro-chure? :D

  • Am I the only person that read this ad and legitimately considered responding with interest?

  • Bro…it did come off as douchey. Who the fuck wants to live in your jamatorium? People want their room to be their room and most rental agreements and tenant laws agree.

  • I’m not sure why he was worried about sounding like a douche.

  • I keep picturing Keanu Reeves and Alex Winter with pot bellies and hiked up khaki slacks.

  • the taint comment is the most disturbing.

Comments are closed.