I understand you’re embarrassed ma’am, but I’m a professional and it would be a lot easier for me to finish stitching up your dress if you’d move your hands. And ma’am, you might consider carrying your own sewing kit in case this happens again and I’m not around.

Somewhere Chris deBurgh is crying – or posting bail

Breathe in. Ma’am, take a deep breathe. We can fix this in the back so you don’t lose any buttons in the front. You need to….BREATHE IN. Otherwise those buttons become a national security problem.

Dear Dan,

My family doesn’t like that I’m in my current relationship, but I like older women, she’s GGG (with that Michelle Pfeiffer red dress thing going on), and we even attended a rally for Rick Santorum outside the White House recently. I’m in law enforcement, so my schedule doesn’t allow us to spend much time together, so we’ve found ways to squeeze in dates whenever (and wherever) we can. This probably isn’t a longterm relationship, but it’s great for now. Should I risk my family’s approval for something that might not last?

Confused on Pennsylvania

Homeland Security finally admits they’ve taken their color-coded alert system too far.

Not even the Magic School Bus could park illegaly outside the White House without repercussions.

“I am the Lorax. I speak for the roses,
Which your president stomps over as he greets and he poses.”