Friday Question of the Day: What’s Your Craziest Roomate Story?

Photo by PoPville flickr user Tyrannous

I will forever be in debt to the reader who sent in this Craigslist ad for a roomate titled $465 Behold! Thy answer to housing and high-fantasy/science-fiction living! (LeDroit Park/Bloomingdale ), which says:

“Thy quest for housing and fellowship is over, fellow rogue/mage/ranger/swords(wo)man; here in this ad lies tale of a place where you can lay your head at night without shame or trepidation regarding who you truly are! A truly noble heart is required to enter this domicile – to test its purity you must meet and disarm a small furry goblin that guards the threshold to our keep (his name is Turtle (yes he has had all of his shots)) but be warned, his temper is capricious and you may do him no physical harm while attempting to subdue him. If you pass this first test you will find yourself surrounded by noble (bike) steeds; if you come on foot have no fear for we will not mock you but be aware, all who reside here currently go forth each day and night atop steel and carbon fiber mounts and if you cannot abide by such modern means of transport you would do well to seek out another homestead.

Once past the indoor stable (bike rack) you will encounter the kitchen and scullery, a place capable of great sorcery and alchemy if thy nature is inclined to such means of expression. If it pleases you, or if it is in your nature, a contest of skills could be in order because in this place of mirth and home the cooking of great things is of paramount importance to all who reside here – once a week cook nights taken up by each companion (featuring something vegan, gluten-free, soy-free foodstuffs) ensures that we are all satiated and powered up to do battle with the repressive world that threatens to engulf our spirits (and repress our leveling up). After this saucy saunter we will lead you through the manner to a lair that is only meant to hold the truest of hearts – the utility portion of the basement that lies beneath the stairs.

A modest space for even the most spartan of adventurers, it comes outfitted with a bed and desk that will serve any and all of ones needs. With a door designed to allow for easy entering and exiting one never need fear disturbing the slumber of other adventurers – all of your late night doings are yours to keep. Fear not for your safety though! The door which you may keep is magical for it opens up to the most charming of (enclosed) outdoor spaces! Large enough for any sort of LARPing it is the perfect space for sword or archery practice and the open garage space is All Yours as well (perfect for tinkering/recording/hobbitting away).

Your fellow companions in this dwelling of roguery include: a queer Healer well-versed in Spanish lore with a penchant for gold and an aversion to wheat; a Ranger who spends his days hanging from cliff shelves and working with youths on all things ethical; a Thief who designs wonderous things for NPOs on a magical box that transmits knowledge to others via a ‘web’; a Warrior who fights for Labour and likes to run in search of adventure.

If this sounds like a heavenly abode please email us with your information and we will let you see whether or not you would be a good fit for our noble fiefdom in the Kingdom of DC!

(Especially desired: anyone with knowledge/interest of 9+ sided die games; Ursula LeGuin or Octavia Butler/easy-going nature/quick-wit and nimbleness; Magic cards, not so much)”

I’m not judging, I swear. But it got me thinking about the FQotD, and since it’s August it’s time for another fun one – so what is the most unusual roomate/housemate story you have?

I’ll start, in college I had a roomate who locked himself out of our room and smashed the door down while he was completely wasted. We didn’t have a door to our room for like two months after that. And this is one of the few stories I can retell, on a family blog, about my college roomate but I’m happy to report he’s still a good friend of mine.

50 Comment

  • My roommate found a bunch of hippies at a party and I woke up one morning to a hippie drum circle in my living room, but the hippies were all snorting meth.

  • Freshman year of college, I had a roommate change her tampon in front of me. I have yet to recover.

  • I shared a duplex apartment with a total slob after returning to DC from a campaign. This guy was nasty. He’d take off for the weekend and leave half-eaten takeout in his bedroom, and his bathroom was off limits to my guests. I would make them go upstairs to mine. But the worst thing he did was flood the apartment.

    He did laundry maybe once every three or four weeks, as a result of which he routinely overloaded the washing machine. The machine was in a closet at the top of the stairs next to my bedroom. One day he put so many dirty undies in there (laundry Dude…the whites) the hose that drained the tank broke and water flooded the closet. It quickly collected under the floorboards and poured out of a fire sprinkler into his bedroom. The apartment was never the same and it was kind of the last straw. I left about a month later. I suppose I can just be thankful the water poured into his room and not out of the sprinkler in the living room directly over my (then) new TV.

  • Craziest roomate story:
    After way too much alcohol, my roommate spontaniously dyed her hair red. Then we had a threesome in the livingroom. The really religious roommate came home and told us we were all going to hell. Over the next week he tried to give me more spiritual counseling.
    I had to lie to my landlord and say that there were no drugs in the house (the roommate I got with smoked the weed). This was because a DC cop was moving in. Those two eventually married.
    This was quite a while ago, and I’ll never forget how the DC cop heard the news and told us how his boss, Marion Barry, had just gotten arrested.
    Good times.

    My captcha has an umlaut – how the hell am I gonna type that?

    • this is the best story so far. One thing that would really help to illustrate it though would be some photos of the incident 😉 Particularly the moments after the hair dying and before the arrival of the religious friend.

  • In college I had a full-blown alcoholic roommate. Not just a regular binge drinking college kid. This guy woke up to 2 pints of bloody marys – and by bloody I mean the liquid was clear with a tinge or crimson. Throughout the day he would easily go through half one of those gallon jugs of Carlo Rossi cheap-o wine before going to his evening job as a bar tender at the ‘Eagles Club’ which is sort of like one of those Veteran’s membership bars. (where he would of course drink all night).

    One night he walks into the apartament with a massibe highway ‘YEILD’ construction sign – about 5 or 6 feet wide. Evidently he crashed through a construction zone on his way home and ran over the sign. His decision at the time, before fleeing the scene, was to put the sign in his car (which didn’t fit) and drive all the way home with the massive sign sticking out from his car. He said he took it because it ‘would look hot on the wall’.
    It did.
    He then passed out on the floor of his room and eventually vomited in his sleep (which was common for him)
    A few nights later he crashed his car into a corn field.

    Having him as a roommate was like living inside a gag-real of some MTV realiy show. Never a dull moment.

  • Ran a group house for about 14 years. Once one roomate went into another’s room, under his covers, and then went down on him while sleeping. Why he didn’t stop her, who knows? And then the other one, would invite her boyfriend over and bang away loudly for hours, with the bedroom door wide open. Was she inviting us all in to participate, hmmm. Man I miss those days!

  • We used to have this crazy Mediterranean guy living with us who was getting a PhD in computer science. He could only code while bumping gangsta rap at about 110 decibels; it was so loud that I could sing along even though his door was closed and my room was 2 floors below him. For an unremarkable dude, he also had mad game; in the first three months he lived with us he had five different girls come to visit him from all over the world. This wouldn’t be abnormal except that they all knew about each other, and they hung out; when they came to town they would pal around with the local girl he was hooking up with. Two of these girls came down the same weekend and had a fight in the car on the way down over who got to sleep with him. Then, when we try to set him up unknowingly with a clingy virgin type, he gets mad and tells us that “his shit is personal.”

    Better still, one night he was out with the local girl and they and some friends had hit it hard on a Friday and were all going home at midnight. They’re waiting for a transfer at Metro Center, at a time when there are still plenty of people on the platform. The girl, wearing a tube top, starts complaining about her itchy bra, picks at it, and boom, pops out of her top. Our roommate, telling us this story, says, “I didn’t know what to do, so I put my mouth on it.” Fantastic.

  • Freshman year I had two roomates, one got in to college at 16 and was already onto 3rd semester calculus. One night he took advantage of a girl who was a bit tipsy. The next morning I see girls in my bedroom rifling through his chest of drawers, I went back to sleep figuring best to not stop the fun. We all awoke to find his underwear stetched across the quad, each pair with a letter of his name on it (in very large dark brown letters). Now brace yourself, the odd thing was that he kept wearing it, I could never quite hold it down when I saw him walking around the room with the big brown “I” down his crack. Ugh.

  • When I was in grad school, I waited tables and often my roommate would have to work Saturdays for his job so his work woudl give him off on Friday. This meant going out on Thursday nights when I got off work and inevitably resulted in him picking up a guy downtown and bringing him home. What made the whole thing funny was that when he was drunk this guy coudl be the biggest tool.

    One night he has a young kid going to school here obviously feeling guilty about his soon to be one night stand and is trying desperately to “get to know” my roomie in some attempt to validate the experience. Roomie was having none of it. He puts me in the middle of the back seat of the cab and every time the kid asks him a question he yells for the cabbie to turn the radio up- higher and higher. Eventually he looks at the kid and says SHUT UP!, Why are you still talking?

    We were passing by the kid’s university and I told him if he wanted to get out I would take care of the roomie for him, but the kid says “oh well, maybe he’ll be nicer in the morning…” That night alone, and many like it, made for quite the entertaining nine months!

  • omg how has no one commented on that craig’s list post!?! I love the fact that they reference dungeons and dragons and they slam magic haha. Way to go craig’s list posters! fwiw I <3 magic

    Roommate story: my roommate freshman year was sick of me hooking up in our room (I had this "do not disturb" type of door hanger to note when she probably didn't want to come in and she was sick of it) and she just never said anything, instead she decided to put laxatives in my brita filter while I was outta town. One of our friends told me about this, so I didn't drink it, but it ended up being an epic battle – duct tape line down the middle of the room, stuff like that. Surprisingly, we got over that little speed bump and she's still one of my best friends 3 years out of college.

    • I’m with you….LOVED the craig’s list post! If I were in my early 20’s, I’d SO be there!

      • Same here! I lived with similar nerdy types in college (fellow engineers and comp sci majors) and it was the best roommate experience I’ve ever had.

  • Thankfully, he wasn’t my roommate but a former boyfriend lived with a guy who NEVER washed anything. Not his clothes, not dishes–I don’t even recall him using the shower. We got fed up with his dirty dishes and decided to pile them on his bed…but we could hardly get into his room because it had a knee-high pile of dirty laundry and trash that was wall to wall behind the door. The smell made your eyes water. We saw movement under the rubbish and ran out thinking it was a rat. Days later we found out that he had a cat in there that was using the entire room as its litter box. This guy spent most of his time at his girlfriend’s place and managed to time his trips home to the hours when my boyfriend was in class so it was impossible to catch him. That must have been when he was making the calls to sex lines because he drove up the phone bill (not in his name, natch) to something over $2000 calling 900 numbers. My boyfriend eventually just changed the locks and hired someone to clean out the bedroom and throw everything out.

    I’m also getting foreign accents and whatnot in capcha recently. The second “word” in my first capcha on this message was the numeric version of one-half. It wouldn’t accept 1/2 so I’m trying again with “storied Praeexistency” Is Praeexistency a real word?

  • Lived with 5 tranny drug dealers in college. Enough said.

  • While in grad school I lived with a very good friend’s long time girlfriend. She needed a place to live and I needed a roommate. Well flash forward a few months and the two break up… most breakup it involved a lot of fighting. I decided to escape the fighting by going away for the weekend. Upon walking into my house after my weekend away I immediately notice a strong smoke smell. We lived in a northern city and it was winter so i just assumed the roommate started up the fireplace. After walking into the living room I notice my carpet and walls are charred and soaking wet. Evidently while I was gone my roommate accidentally set my house on fire and called the fire department. They put out the fire…..and she left. Just left…for several days. She didn’t try to clean up after the fire or dry out the carpet or walls. I had to find out what happened from a friend who just happened to be walking by my house when the fire department got there.

  • I had a roommate who had OCD and couldn’t leave the house unless she repeatedly checked all of the outlets to make sure that everything was unplugged. This was totally annoying because I was constantly having to plug in lights, the TV, the coffee maker, etc., in order to use them. Then she started taking my electronics and putting them in the trunk of her car. So when I went to use my hair dryer or my iron or something, I’d discover they were missing. I’d ask her about it and she’d casually walk out the door and get whatever I asked for out of the trunk of her car and give it to me, all without acknowledging the weirdness of what she had done.

  • I lived in a place called the pirate house when i first moved to DC. I lived there with a good friend from college and two of his childhood friends. It was all good and dandy, but the best story from that house came right as we were all about to move out. My friend (we’ll call him stumbles) was dating another roommates younger sister (we’ll call the other roommate pirate mike). Pirate mike and Stumbles were both on the shorter end, but were raging alcoholix. Needless to say, Pirate mike was unhappy with stumbles dating his younger sister, and the consequences of this were numerous fights, brawls, scuffles and shouting matches. One night, after a few too many drinks, pirate mike comes home and starts yelling at a girl who was on our couch. Stumbles comes down stairs to her defense, and soon enough, pirate mike’s sister is downstairs screaming at people. Pirate Mike and Stumbles start brawling. Stumbles hits pirate mike with a dumbell, then a full can of beer (a fighting style known as Can-Fu), splits his head open, and blood comes pouring out. Head wounds bleed A LOT, especially with alcohol. I slept thru the entire ordeal, only to be awoken by a blood-soaked Pirate Mike (literally COVERED in blood) at the doorway of my room, asking what happened and why he was bleeding everywhere. I kindly asked him to get the fuck out of my room. The cops came, restraining orders were filed, stitches were given, and court-dates set.

  • I had this room mate once who was quiet, very neat and clean and courteous. I know! Crazy!

  • Lived in a triple my freshman year and roomie #1 had a male friend who was totally in love with her (but she wasn’t into that way) who would spend many nights in our room.

    One night roomie #2 and I both woke in the middle of the night to find our male guest doing squats in the middle of the room, wearing only roomie #1’s underwear.

    Not a horror story, but hilarious.

  • jeezus where to begin… only a few of my stories involve the jar we kept, of dirt-grade amphetamine pills and thumbtacks mixed together (decor item, really) and the contests we would have in the living room, building LARGE FIRES in a discarded metal trash-can lid, trying to CONTROL the flames with raw mind-power…

    Come to think of it, that last one might not have been my roommate’s idea.

    • I’m not even sure where to start analyzing this comment lol.

      • ahem… if anybody on Monroe Street was wondering, sometime in the last 20 years how those char/carbon stains got on the basement ceiling, there’s an interesting story about that. But it will take a few ales and a guarantee of no physical violence…

  • I moved into my current house after they forcibly evicted the fellow who lived there before me (he’d been there less than a month.) The night I moved in, his stuff was piled on the curb, and the room’s windows were all open with a fan blowing the smell outside. This was in February.

    So I already had a pretty good idea the fellow before me was a raging psycho, but even I couldn’t believe the shit my roomies told me about him. The next day I was informed that none (NONE) of the drains were currently working. So I bought a plunger and plunged them all. MASSIVE hair balls and grease. Apparently this guy didn’t understand about grease clogging drains, and was losing his hair.

    According to the roomies, he subsisted entirely on pizza and bacon. He never wore clothes at home, ever. He would come home from work and punch walls and scream obscenities to himself. Several roomies came home to the experience of him masturbating (naked, of course) on the living room couch. (I Febreezed the couch after they told me that, then covered it with a sheet.)

    I set traps to catch the mice that had moved into the room thanks to his empty pizza boxes and caught six. I scrubbed every surface of the bathroom, bedroom and kitchen, to get rid of the grease and the smell. It felt like two months before I’d exorcised this guy from the house. I don’t even know his name. Apparently, the roomies didn’t know it either; he “took over” the lease of another roomie. But he never paid any rent or bills. Also, he was apparently 4-fucking-5.

  • When I was in college I lived with two other guys in a fairly small apartment. I decided to take a small nap during the afternoon of the 4th of July in 2003, and one of my roommates decided it would be a good idea to wake me up. The thing is, he did this by throwing a long string of lit black cats into my bedroom, closing the door, and running outside. Needless to say, I was pissed. It was an alarming way to be woken up, my room reeked of gunpowder, there was a two foot wide burn mark in the carpet, and fire cracker paper scraps were everywhere. Seeking revenge, I lit a smoke bomb and threw it in his room, which left our whole house smelling strongly of sulfur. This prompted my roommate to retaliate by tossing on of those spinning bee fire crackers back into my bedroom, which somehow started my synthetic comforter on fire. We put the fire out, but our apartment was trashed and smokey as hell, so we decided we wait on the patio for it to air out. While waiting we realized that more and more smoke continued to billow out of our apartment. We decided to go back in to investigate, and were greeted with a wall of smoke. The comforter had reignited, and the fire had spread to the drapes. We had a full fledged fire on our hands. Fortunately, we were able to violently yank the drapes down, grab the still flaming comforter and toss them both in the yard where we doused them with the hose. That stopped the fire, but it left our apartment uninhabitable for a week. Needles to say we didn’t get our deposit back. But I do like to think that I’ve learned my lesson about not using fireworks indoors.

  • I had a house mate who asked me and another house mate in all seriousness what his legal issues would be if a child he talked to in a gym locker room told his mom that the house mate had touched him inappropriately.

    not fun.

  • Freshman year our building was way overcrowded. So one of my good friends was assigned a room with 3 other people at the end of our hallway. One night her roommate had a little too much to drink and went to the bathroom without waking up (several times). Unfortunately for my friend she slept on the bunk right below said roommate. Flash forward to about 4 am with my friend banging on my door which I open to find her soaking wet and freaking out.

    It turns out her bed was completely ruined and she had no where to sleep so she spent the remaining three weeks of the semester sleeping on a camping mat on the floor in my room.

  • I had a roommate who refused to pee inside. Fortunately, he was usually well-hydrated so the tree out front didn’t smell too bad.

  • 1. Junior year – 6 women in one house; apartment below with one self-medicated (copious amounts of Jim Beam) schizophrenic dude. Dude would talk through the vents to my roommate saying, “I hear you Nicole. I hate you Nicole.” Lots of other stories there. When he went off the deep end and could not be found, owners were cleaning the apt only to discover that when he would defecate, he would smear it all over the walls.
    2. Early 20’s – lived in group house with no lease and unemployed basement dweller (whose name was on lease) collected rent only to pay his bills and surprise, surprise, not rent. Discovered that after sheriff’s notice of eviction posted to door. so then moved on to #3
    3. Mid 20’s – lived in a house in Arlington with 3 other women. Year of living with the Heathers. One crazy Heather hid pregnancy from all of us up until time of delivery. Smoked, drank, worked out like crazy throughout and healthy little girl came anyway. Yes, those things really DO happen. One Heather and I helped deliver baby (at hospital thank goodness) and baby was adopted and saved a lifetime of turmoil from crazy Heather.

  • I had a roommate who bought a $300 toaster; I never once saw her make toast.

    I used the $300 toaster a couple of times and the toast was not that great.

  • My roommate once called my dad because I didn’t come home one night. She knew I was out at a work happy hour (after which I went home with a guy from work). I woke up the next day to a call on the guy’s phone from our supervisor asking if he knew where I was…on top of zillions of missed calls from the roommate, from my dad, from the company owner (who my dad is friends with), from his deputy, from her deputy, and a series of emails and texts. None the less, our secret work romance was outted.

    Oh, and the roommate had the nerve to be mad at me, when I was the one to have my sex life exposed to my entire office. On the plus side, somehow this incident didn’t make the guy run screaming. We’re still together six months later.

  • Holy. Shit.

    All of these posts are making me feel happy that I
    1) am no longer in my 20s
    2) never lived with any of the people who are the subjects of the above stories
    3) live ALONE

    My story is pretty benign compared to the above. Freshman year roommate had a BF who was still a senior in high school. She insisted on talking to him every night between the hours of 1 and 3 am in our room which was the size of a large walk-in closet. She had a cell phone but refused, after multiple requests, to leave the room to have these conversations. So, I slept on the couch in the dorm lobby for a couple months. At some point, she casually told me during conversation that the only thing that would make her move out of the room was if I smoked in it.

    Guess what I did.

    She moved right in time for finals. I studied and smoked in peace for a glorious and quiet two weeks until the ear ended. For the next three years, we didn’t say a single word to each other.

  • I lived with my older sister during college who had a history of substance abuse. My mom had paid for her to go to a very expensive rehab clinic that, unfortunately, didn’t seem to stick. I often would wake up in the middle of the night to hear her with some strangers she brought back with her from whatever dive bar she had wondered into. At least they weren’t having sex, just continuing the party.

    Once, in the dead of winter, I woke up to hear someone banging on the front door very loudly and music blasting from our living room. After I realize that my sister wasn’t going to answer the door, I get out of bed and open the living room door to see my sister and about five others snorting coke. I tell them someone is at the door and then go back to bed. The next morning the apartment reeks of smoke and she had used a serving dish my mom gave me as an ashtray. She is out somewhere so I clean up. We don’t have much for cleaners so I use Old English on our wood floors. Later that evening she calls me from her job as a waitress to scold me for putting polish on the floors. She tells me she almost slipped and doesn’t have health insurance and that I’m an idiot.

    There are several more stories of her that are basically along the same vein. She had a worthless degree that caused her to jump around from one low paying job to the next. Often frustrated that no one took her suggestions of how to run the company seriously, she would come home and take it out on me for the slightness infarction. Although she has cleaned herself up and I grew a backbone and started yelling at her, of which I’m glad of both, she recently told me she doesn’t understand why we are not as close as we use to be.

  • I had two roomates in a large group house in Urbana IL who were obsessed with making “rockets” from scratch (one was a chemistry major). My beau and I were in another part of the house when a huge explosion rocked the house. The roomates ran outside, one had burns – smoke pouring out of the house, and it killed all the fish in my aquarium instantly. A big fear: that the neighbors would call the fire department and our room full of growing marijuana plants would be found by fire/policemen

  • This story is about my sister’s college roommate.

    On the last night of a weekend trip to visit my sister we decided to make some mix cd’s for my long drive back. She calls her boyfriend to see if we can borrow some of his CDs. He isnt there but his roommate says we can borrow them if we want. So we wander down and he hands us the CD cases. A little while later I am sitting on the floor flipping through the case when I start to notice that the cd case smells….badly. We couldnt place it so we keep flipping through. After a few more minutes her boyfriend comes in the room and tells us to put down the cd case and step away. We do and ask why. He tells us that his roommate has a sleep walking/ sleep peeing problem. And that last night he woke up to find his roommate peeing on his cd case. YUCK. It turns out that his roommate pees in there room every night without ever waking up.

  • In my first year of law school, I lived with a couple (dumb I know) who then broke up. The one who stayed had a new girlfriend immediately (she moved in the same day the old girlfriend left). And she brought her dog, which violated our lease, since my roommate already had one. Did I mention that new gf was in my class in grad school so I had to see her every day, all day?

    Old girlfriend went crazy and we had to call 911 twice in one weekend since she was threatening herself and us. She ended up suing me in small claims court, too.

    Oh, and once the new girlfriend’s dog ate a bottle of stool softeners my roommate left on the counter and then crapped all over my bedroom.

    I am so so so so so glad that none of these people live within a 500-mile radius of me anymore.

    • Your story just reminded me of the roommate with the $300 toaster, whose dog was sick with diarrhea once and went alllll over the white carpeting. She then had the nerve to have the landlord withold my part of the security deposit to replace the carpeting! When I tried to argue this, she said she was suing me for slander and starting leaving me psychotic, rambling voicemails.

  • Wow, my stories do not compare.

    I had a roommate who is well-known in DC (most of my roommates were). He became obsessed with me and would regularly drop secret details about my life and then turn beet red when I questioned him on them. Later I found out he spread lies about me and my girlfriend to almost all our friends. My friends started dropping off my radar and it took me literally two years to correct everything he told them. It took another two years for people to cut him off. I never returned to being the happy go lucky guy I was before then.

  • that would be the roommate who spent almost a week in a asylum while i was living him. literally crazy

  • I was a “hotwalker” (cooling down racehorses) at Oaklawn Park track in Hot Springs Ark. in early 80’s. Roommate was fun, interesting girl who unfortunately turned out to be an occasional hooker and got stabbed to death one night.

    • i had a room mate whose mom was a paranoid schizophrenic who would show up at any hour of the day to stay for weeks on end and drink gallons upon gallons of coffee and hit the town looking for me. he also grew 8 kiddie pools worth of mushrooms to sell. his sometimes live-in girlfriend was a nut job who both sleep walked and hated me, so sometimes i would wake up as she was either throwing stuff at me, or covering me with crap.

      also, i gave him my rent check that he was supposed to pay the land lord. turns out that for 6 months he was not paying rent and pocketing my cash.
      i did crash his car one time and pretended that nothing happened.

      in our spare time, we would make pipe bombs and drive around rural areas and blow up soda vending machines.

  • Wow, so many completely bizarre, yet entirely entertaining stories. Keep ’em coming.

  • i had a female housemate in a group house in virginia who would drop deuces with the bathroom door open. The bathroom was across from the kitchen.

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